


Helping Hand

by freecshow



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: (don't worry- it's not Kite), Assisted Masturbation, Frottage, Implied pedophilia?, M/M, Mutual Masturbation, Oral Sex, Sexual Healing?, Some themes of sexual trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:27:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 29,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21866716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freecshow/pseuds/freecshow
Summary: While spending time together with Kite, Gon and Killua stumble incidentally into a sexual relationship with one another, born from a favor that turns into a series of paybacks.I'll be frank--this story is mostly an excuse to write a lot of porn. It's a series of "firsts" between Gon and Killua, almost like a timeline. This is of course complicated with the way the story currently is, so conveniently, in this fork of this universe, the chimera ants never made it onto human soil. This of course means that Killua doesn't have his needle removed (the same way, at least, who knows), and that Killua doesn't know that Gon has been on dates/has "done stuff" (or, again, he at least doesn't find out the same way).Inspired heavily by a fan book of Tomiko's. Warning for some dark themes regarding Killua's part in some later chapters.
Relationships: Gon Freecss/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 65
Kudos: 214





	1. Backed Up

It was bound to happen eventually, Killua thinks, with the way Gon recklessly charges into everything—against his own physical limits, to test his own mettle, unable to win against his own pride. Kite was furious, the way Gon's hand was smashed up, his other arm cut deep beneath the bicep. A mishap in handling a rare Whip Beetle, a specimen Kite was excited about—and to Gon's deep regret, one that subsequently got away from Kite's eager scrutiny. After the aggressive, excitable and quite sizable insect had already whipped Gon across the arms and torso in retaliation—a foolish move made by Gon in the first place because the thing had come at Kite menacingly. Insulting, belittling reflex, something Gon got a stern scolding for. Worse yet, after Gon had incurred the gashes, his hand had been crushed from a fall and bad landing, breaking a couple of fingers.

To Kite's enragement, aside from Killua's dry schadenfreude, Killua only expressed inconvenienced indifference. He'd certainly seen Gon endure worse. Kite hadn't, but Kite knew who Gon's father was. But now, Gon couldn't really help with Kite's excursions. Gon was only still with Kite in the first place after his insistent begging, promising that he'd heal fast—Killua backed that up—and that he at least wanted to stick around. Kite had expressed that a needy burden, the way Gon's physical state was, was less use to him than an ordinary child. Seeing Gon's desperate, crestfallen eyes, Killua had then sighed, eyes half lidding as he merely mumbled that he'd take care of Gon. Killua would help with camp tasks, help Kite with what he could—on the caveat that he wouldn't leave Gon alone for too long.

And predictably, to Killua's exact calculations, Gon's just been childishly sulking since. His arm in a splint and his fingers wrapped in gauze, he's a perfect picture of misery. Killua's already chastised Gon about how it was his own fault, and it's a moot point, anyway. So he merely lays in their tent, legs crossed, arms folded behind his head, listening to the way the rain falls against their tent. Gon's propped up, scowling as he shifts antsily. 

Altogether, they've been traveling with Kite for about a month. It's been a fun diversion, something simple and... small. But of course, somehow, Gon's still managed to hurt himself, and Kite's the type of person just callous enough to not be bothered by Gon's insistence to not go to a hospital. Not that Killua's worried. Gon's injury has been only a couple days in, though—and while Killua acts aloof, he's keeping a careful eye on Gon. And Gon knows it.

"Gon." Killua turns his head to face his friend as he readjusts yet again with an exaggerated huff. "What's with you? You need to go to the bathroom?"

"No."

"...Come to to think of it, are you even really able to—?"

"Yeah. I can move the arm in the splint just enough..."

"You can't really grasp though, right?"

"Just enough."

Killua scoffs. 

"Better than how my hands were..."

"Yeah," Gon agrees, sounding distracted by the memory—but irritated, too.

Distantly, Killua thinks about how the hand with broken fingers is Gon's dominant hand. The splinted arm likely has some tangential damage, like a tendon or nerve that's affecting the strength of Gon's grip.

"You've been kinda irritable," Killua points out, and Gon fixes a stern little scowl on him, which makes Killua sigh incredulously for how Gon proves his point so easily. Killua pushes himself up by his palms. "You're frustrated because you feel like you can't do anything."

"Obviously! Even going to the bathroom is hard!"

Killua returns a dry look in Gon's direction, and Gon's expression, interestingly, goes red as he scowls, snapping his gaze away as his arched eyebrows knit in the center of his face crossly. Killua's eyebrows raise a bit.

"Killua, I don't—know... How did..."

"Huh?"

"How did...um. When your hands were all messed up," Gon stammers, and Killua's eyebrows raise for the rare display of such a skiddish nature from Gon. "I-I mean... It's only come the morning that I've... Since I can't..."

"Huh?" Killua asks a bit more loudly, leaning forward in disbelief as the corner of his lip twitches. 

"...I can't really..."

Killua's face reddens, and suddenly the air doesn't feel so cool. There's no way Gon's... alluding to _that_ , right? "...jerk off?" Killua finishes in a bewildered tone, and Gon winces with embarrassment, then wilts a little, eyes shut tight in miserable embarrassment.

"Yeah."

"...I didn't realize you did that..."

Killua realizes how stupid that sounds in retrospect, with how despite his embarrassment, Gon is staring at him with a curt frown. 

"We're the same age!!"

Killua scowls defensively, teeth grit. 

"I know, stupid! I just never saw you do anything like that!!"

Except once, Killua thinks—Killua's a light sleeper, and there's been one or two times in their time traveling together where he definitely woke up to Gon sleepily tugging beneath his underwear. Once the gesture was pretty well hidden—another time, pretty revealing. Guiltily, bated breath, Killua had pretended to still be asleep. He feels something in him twist with miserable guilt at the memory. A cherished set of visions in Killua's more private moments...

"I get up earlier than you," Gon says pointedly, turning his nose, and Killua's face flushes a deep pink for how Gon's words so directly correlate to Killua's specific recollections. "And when it's not just you and me, I do it in the shower."

Killua almost follows—it's too risky sharing a room with Leorio, Kurapika, _and_ Killua—but. 

"—Wait, you'd do it in the room with me there?!"

Killua isn’t genuinely surprised, due to experience—but he’s pretty shocked at Gon’s casual admission.

"Yeah, so what!? It's easier being sneaky with just one person!"

"Gon! You can't be sneaky around a former assassin!"

Gon's eyes suddenly widen, leaning back a little as his eyebrows raise with curiosity—and shock. Killua suddenly realizes himself, going stiff in the shoulders.

"—Er."

"...So I didn't succeed?"

"Not always, you idiot. I just ignored it."

"Oh." Gon's face darkens in the shadows again, and he momentarily glances away. But not for long. His eyes find Killua's again, this time, his expression uneasy—and otherwise, mostly unreadable. As Gon wonders if he should apologize, he makes Killua feel a little anxious. "Um. About that. What about you, anyway?"

"—Huh? What do you mean?"

"I feel like I never see Killua do that kind of thing..."

Killua's jaw sets tensely, and he crosses his arms.

"Obviously! Because I'm _actually_ sneaky. ...And I also usually just do it in the shower..." The embarrassment of being around Gon while tending to his hormone altered body was too much to bear, especially when so frequently, Gon was the subject of his fantasies. It evoked too much guilt. The cognitive dissonance was easier for Killua when washing alone...

"But we wash together so often..."

"Well, not always..."

It was true, that while they still would bathe together, it was sort of a social thing—sometimes, the other expressed that they were going to go shower—in a way that sometimes didn't sound like an invitation. Sometimes, Killua wasn't in the mood to shower, or didn't need to anyway, so he'd let it go. Looking back on it, thinking that maybe Gon was sneaking off to relieve himself that way, just as Killua sometimes would, certainly... colors things.

"That's true," Gon eventually agrees, knees shifting before one of them lifts. It catches Killua's eyes, and his heart skips. Unable to help himself with the thought, he gives a dodgy glance to Gon's lap—a half second, before he just as anxiously darts his gaze away. 

There's a pause. Neither of them are looking at each other. Killua's tense in a way that Gon can feel, and Gon's busily staring at a stray thread from the blanket over legs, right at the end of its seam. 

"...It's difficult, though. I don't know how you did it. I'm frustrated enough not being able to help you and Kite, but I feel so off center when I can't do it for too long. Everything annoys me, even though it seems like it's coming out anyway..."

Killua tries to mind his voice, careful to smooth out its tremors as he picks his words carefully while feigning indifference. He glances back at Gon.

"That's normal... You don't get that anyway?"

Gon shakes his head, and Killua sees the weariness in his face from here. Gon hasn't been sleeping well; Killua had already noticed that, but things are being illuminated a little differently, right now...

"Not like this. It's a lot, but somehow, I don't really feel any relief..."

Killua's eyes widen a little, then he rolls his eyes, the corner of his lips lifting with a haughty little smirk.

"Tch, you're backed up."

"Killua!" Gon whines in embarrassment, his voice high and thin.

Killua glances back at Gon, his fingertips over his lips as he laughs darkly. "What? It's a little funny."

"You're horrible!! I'm already embarrassed, you know?!"

"Yeah, yeah."

Killua catches Gon's eyes, and Gon tenses, the tension in his face giving away his apparent unease. They hold each other's gaze for a moment, then Killua sighs.

"What, you want me to help?"

Gon looks startled, then goes red. 

"K-Killua! I wasn't—"

Killua's heart is racing. It's cruel, in its own way, how Killua is fronting so hard. Killua's face is red, and he can hear the roaring of his rushing blood, the erratic beating of his heart almost bothersome against his ribs, but aside from that, he once again only appears mildly inconvenienced.

"You weren't?"

Gon's gaze anxiously falls, and Killua's eyes wander up the shape of Gon's legs under the blanket. He feels curious about Gon's earlier antsy fidgeting, unable to help but wonder if Gon's cock is hard as they speak. If it has been, and that's the nature of his frustration... Killua swallows with trepidation at the thought, uneased by his own hopefulness at the prospect. Alone with his trusted friend, frustrated and hard. And how terrible is Killua for finding that kind of scenario so alluring? He'd hoped Gon was fishing for Killua to do something, but that was crazy, wasn't it? And even if Gon were asking for that, how could Killua even respond to that with a straight face? What would be the correct reaction, anyway?

Gon's silent, though, and Killua's eyebrows raise with interest.

"G-Gon?"

"I just needed to say something to someone who'd understand," Gon answers finally, and Killua's gut flips for how dishonest it sounds. He can tell Gon's just being polite.

Wetting his lips nervously, Killua shifts slowly—it catches Gon's eye, and Killua's suddenly beside him. There's nerves and tension between the two of them, even as Killua tries to suppress his own embarrassment.

"It... I don't mind," Killua mumbles, glancing away when Gon's expression eases into surprise.

"Um..."

Killua hopes to god that Gon was just being polite around his actual desires, otherwise he's going to have to jump off a bridge. He feels like he might have to anyway—how horribly, guiltily indulgent he was being, watching Gon carefully for signs of protest as he rolls his blanket down. Killua's breath catches silently in his throat, the silhouette of Gon's hard dick immediately apparent. The fact that Killua's hunch was correct is beyond dizzying. He glances skeptically back up to Gon, who squirms with embarrassment. 

"...Are you sure?" Gon asks timidly, and Killua feels awful, the way the rest of him soars with relief. It's immediately intoxicating. 

"Yeah. It's fine. Just let me know before you finish."

Killua decides that for the moment, he can't look at Gon. He mumbles for Gon to lift his butt after Killua works on rolling down the elastic of his boxers, heart rattling the cage of his ribs as he sees the root of Gon's cock, nestled in coarse, straight hair. There's a thick vein to the side of it. And for a moment, Killua wonders what the fuck he's doing—it's like a wet dream come to reality, or a nightmare, and he can't figure out which it is. Gon's cock springs free with an exaggerated bob, and Killua has to suppress a surprised little sound of hunger at the sight of it.

And so too for the way Gon shudders and moans a little bit. Killua's eyes widen, but he doesn't let himself look at Gon's face. He doesn't want to embarrass Gon out of expressing that sort of thing, definitely. And in general, he doesn't want to give away his own eagerness... Getting to do something like this with someone like Gon.

Gon's cock is certainly urgently swollen—or perhaps just naturally girthy, Killua realizes hungrily, unable to help the quiet way his breath shudders. Gon's dick is different than his own, thicker and darker, the glans peeking half way through a tight hood of skin. He feels a little awkward, too, of course—he can't just gawk all day at it. So Killua wraps his hand around Gon's dick. And distantly, Killua thinks about how he knows this kind of thing. It's mechanic, but a little ungraceful, jerking Gon's dick from this position. Not exactly like how he does it to himself, obviously...

Killua peaks up at Gon to check on him, and catches Gon with his neck twisted, his face red and expression a little tight. There's a slow, eager push of Gon's hips forward, and Killua suddenly lets go in response, eyes back on Gon's dick as it beads at the tip. Gon snaps out of his pleasured trance, blinking at Killua. 

"K-Killua, are you okay? Why did you stop?"

"...Nothing. The angle's just a little awkward, cuz it's not like how I do it."

"Oh, um—"

"Hang on."

Killua then shifts so that he's right beside Gon, and he glances at Gon's arm. It's his dexterous arm, which means it's by his injured hand—but that arm is mobile, even if his hand is sensitive with its injuries, so he can lean it away. Killua meets Gon's eyes for a moment, who blinks with wide eyed curiosity. Satisfied with that as any green light, Killua momentarily leans in the direction of his own sleeping bag, grabbing a facetowel. Killua closes his eyes with a little sigh.

"Sorry. It's a little weird. But it'll feel good, more like it's your own hand."

"It already felt really good..."

"Well, we want this done with quickly."

Not that Killua feels like Gon will be long either way, truth told. The head of his glans is already wet with precum, and it disperses when Killua's reaching down to stroke his dick again. Gon shudders and jolts, wincing his eyes shut. Killua hears his molars snap with that twinge of his body, and his own dick throbs eagerly. 

Killua's eyes are carefully trained on Gon's cock, watching how the skin bunches and evens out, how it rolls over the glans and then exposes it, finding it quite hypnotic. Killua's own breath is thick from the sight of it, eyes half lid. But it isn't long before Killua's distracted from the inadvertent show, subsequently surprised when Gon tucks his face against Killua's shoulder. Gon's breath is hot, fast and heady, tickling the hairs on Killua's neck. There's tetchy, tight little sounds of Gon struggling against his own pleasure, and Killua's cock pulses again in a way that makes him have to stifle another moan, as if feeling his administered stimulation to Gon vicariously.

"Well?" Killua tries not to sound so hungry when he checks in, clearing his throat, voice thick as he licks his lip. 

"Killua smells different," Gon says tensely, and Killua's expression whiplashes into something incredulous. He doesn't stop, though. 

"What?"

"It's so good," Gon whines, and he's leaning into Killua, nestling into his neck. Killua can feel Gon's cock quiver. "This scent..."

"G-Gon, stop being weird," Killua stammers—but it isn't heard over the way Gon's body rocks hard, pressing his face into Killua's neck as his torso twists against him, muffling a loud, needy wail against Killua's flesh as the first thick emission of Gon's orgasm comes in a jumping pulse. Then the next, and the next, wave after wave, and Killua feels like his head's just been stuffed full of cotton, the moment almost surreal as he watches Gon cum messily—and profoundly—all over his hand as he jerks him off. The way it sticks to Killua's hand in places and drips down in others, all over down the thickness of Gon's cock, sticking in his pubic hair. Gon's moaning helplessly and airily as Killua works Gon's pulsing cock through its orgasm, the breath and the slick glancing of Gon's lips against his skin here and there against his neck shamefully exquisite. Killua can't believe how stimulating he finds it—it's sort of embarrassing, actually.

When it's over, Killua's grip relaxes, but he doesn't let go of Gon—who is slumped heavily against Killua, breathing labored, his brows slanted back and mouth gently agape. Killua's eyes are wide, reeling as he stares stupidly at Gon's cock. In their proximity, Killua can feel the dampness of Gon's flesh, and it deepens the ache in his lap.

"I told you to warn me, you moron," Killua mumbles half heartedly.

"It surprised me too, you know," Gon responds breathlessly.

"Yeah, well, you made a huge mess. That was a ton."

"Was it...?" Gon finally lifts his head, blinking blearily. 

"Obviously..." Killua moves his hand, glancing cautiously at his friend. "You didn't hurt your hand when you got so close to me?"

Gon shakes his head, scooting away from Killua, seeming to realize himself with that question. "No, I kept it tucked kinda near my belly..."

"Then you probably got some on it."

"Oh. Sorry," Gon says, mouth wobbling a little.

"...Don't be stupid. It's okay. Just brace yourself."

Killua gets the towel, carefully wiping off his hands, first. Then what he can manage to get out of the sheets (they'll have to wash their things in the morning). With the force of Gon's orgasm, Killua doesn't particularly feel he should deal with the mess that was Gon's dick at the moment. So, carefully, holding Gon by the wrist with one hand, Killua carefully inspects Gon's hand. He rotates it, and Gon watches him with wide, warm eyes. 

"Lucky. Just a little on the back... I'll help you change these in the morning, though."

"...Thanks."

"Yeah."

And, all too casual—thus making this just as awkward as the alternative, really, Killua scoots back. But Gon perks up, blinking.

"Killua?"

Killua pauses, peering curiously.

"Er, yeah?"

"What about you?"

"...Dummy, what _about_ me?"

"...You're aroused now, right?" 

"Gon, what the hell!"

"What?! I can tell... I knew I'd smelled you like that before. When you're excited, you smell different. Probably everyone does, but I'm not always so close to others."

Killua bristles, rightly humiliated.

"That's so weird!! What's with you!?"

"What do you mean?! It's amazing... It's thick, and sweet. It makes me feel dizzy. I like it."

Killua stares in incredulous silence, then starkly wonders what the hell he's done. But it's true—his cock strains quite rebelliously against the tidy confines of his boxer briefs, seeking out touch.

"Idiot, it's not like you can do anything anyway... Your hands are all messed up. Besides, I was just helping you—it wouldn't be right for me to want something in return for just helping you feel better." Killua scoffs. "You obviously really needed that. I can take care of myself any time."

"...Are you going to?"

Killua flusters, glancing away with an irritable huff.

"...Well, it's a little too awkward..."

"Killua? Why did you become that way, anyway?"

Killua pauses, then shrugs. 

"...I dunno. Dumb animal reflex, probably, horny cuz someone else is horny."

"Is that how that is?"

"I guess. I don't really know."

The reality is, of course (and Killua knows it), that this is simple attraction. Killua had become aroused because he liked what he was seeing. Gon's hard, slick cock, eventually erupting so gratuitously in his grasp, thanks to Killua's caring touch. A little bit of something tailor made in the ilk of Killua's desires, something that, despite what they've just done, Killua can't bring himself to admit out loud right now. Perhaps because he wanted to keep the nature of this transactional, like it was something he did as a friend, and not as a horny teenager who was eager at the opportunity to touch another boy his age.

Gon's expression falls with embarrassment. "I still wish I could do the same for you... I feel so much better, and you're like that because of me."

And once again, Gon puts it so plainly that Killua stares at him in disbelief. He says it just like that, but still doesn't quite get it.

"...W-well, don't worry about it. I bet you're definitely ready to go to sleep now, anyway."

"Yeah," Gon answers, finding himself slipping into a yawn nearly immediately after. He weakly rubs an eye with the back of his unmarred hand. "I don't think I've ever had one so big..."

Killua's heart thrums with a greedy, nasty happiness, and he glances away as he slips into his own sleeping bag, onto his side.

"I bet. Anyway, I'm going to sleep too."

"...Okay." Gon's eyes fall, looking unable to discern something within himself. Killua doesn't see it, though, too busy with closing his eyes and squirming to get comfortable. "Thanks, Killua." 

"Night."

\----

Killua lays in the darkness, listening to Gon's breathing, waiting for it to deepen and even out. And even just that, which is so much nothing, makes Killua shift his legs from the hard strain of his dick, remembering how erratic and hot Gon's breath was against his neck. Behind his eyelids, he can't escape the image of Gon's cock—the erotic shape and state of it, the glassy glaze of its head, the huge mess it had made. Even the soft-but-taut feel of it rolling beneath his fingers, wet and pulsing, makes Killua squirm and shudder in pleasure.

He's not even terribly subtle, the way he jerks his dick under the blankets. He knows Gon is sleeping heavily, after a big orgasm like that. And he still can't believe he let that happen—that instead of letting that conversation drop, he'd for some insane idea decided to use it for a proposition. And that was terrible, right? But Gon... It really seemed like he'd wanted Killua's help. That means he trusts Killua a lot, doesn't it? Or maybe—

Killua's thoughts are interrupted as he stifles a gasp, eyes flying wide before squeezing shut, gritting his teeth as scattered breath struggles through them while his orgasm jolts his body in shuddering succession. And he catches it in the same towel, eyes moist with his shame, realizing it's been a long time since he's cum so hard. His breath remains desperate and erratic for a little while, the heaving of his chest gradually calming, skin still a little clammy as he steals a guilty glance in Gon's direction, holding the shape of his silhouette. 

Killua can't help but think of himself as the worst, and so despite his satisfaction, proper rest doesn't quite seem to find him that night.


	2. Unless You Want To

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gon is quickly acclimating to Killua's assistance, but finds himself frustrated at the lack of his ability to reciprocate. However, Gon is nothing if not a stubborn problem-solver.

It's not often that Killua wakes up before Gon. But indeed, when Killua opens his eyes, groggily sitting up, he finds Gon peacefully dozing on his side, his cheek cushioned by the swell of his palm, his uninjured fingers curled limply against his face as he drools. 

Killua sits in a pregnant moment of disbelief, staring dumbly at his friend. 

Of course Killua didn't sleep very well... So many nerves, and jitters. Guilt. Whereas on the other side, Gon's resting so peacefully, still as stone. 

Killua reluctantly moves his blanket back, shifting slowly and uncomfortably in silence. It's easy enough to do, given his background—and he doesn't want to wake Gon. Carefully, he gathers up the towel... But he realizes the flat sheet Gon's sleeping on also needs to be washed. He sighs heavily, deciding there's no getting around it. 

Rolling his eyes, Killua stands, walking to Gon. He crouches beside him, giving him a little shake. 

"Hey," Killua breathes. "Gon."

Gon opens his eyes blearily, then winces. "Ngh..."

"You need to move onto your back," Killua says gently.

"I guess I ended up on my side somehow," Gon answers in a sleepy grumble, righting his posture. His warm, groggy eyes find Killua, and he smiles. It's small, but warm and sweet, and Killua feels his heart skip, stomach dropping with dread. Which is a confusing reaction, to be sure—but sometimes the way Gon makes him feel startles him, how to his core it strikes him. "Thanks, Killua."

Killua swallows, his heart racing. "Uh, sure. I—was actually coming to clean the sheet..."

"Oh. What time is it?" Gon rubs his eye with a scowl, squinting at the wall of their tent through the filtered nylon, seeming to be calculating the time of day based on the brightness that filters through. What very little there is to be seen, that is. "...It must barely be past six, Killua." He looks back to Killua, looking worried. 

"Yeah, so?"

"You should be asleep..."

" _You_ should be asleep, you're healing. I woke up, and I know I'm just gonna be bored waiting to get sleepy again."

Gon looks troubled, lip quirked as he scowls, dark eyes falling. Killua's shoulders sag with a sigh.

"What, Gon?"

"You're doing so much for me. I hate that I can't do something for you."

"It's always like that," Killua says dismissively, rolling his eyes as he waves a hand side to side.

"It is not!" Gon squeaks in protest, turning his wide eyes to Killua, who has a mean spirited little chuckle. 

"Just to back to bed."

"But you're taking my sheet..." Gon says it with hesitation, like he isn't willing to drop his point of offense taken with Killua's words. Killua shrugs, unbothered, and points to his own sleeping bag.

"Just use my side til you've had enough rest."

"...Fine," Gon mutters, and Killua smiles, finding his brattiness charming. He offers a hand to help Gon up, and Gon scowls, cheeks flaring with embarrassment. "I can get up myself!"

"Fine! Then do it," Killua snaps right back, crossing his arms as he tilts his head away with a scoff. "Stupid."

"I'm not stupid!!"

"You're a complete idiot!! Moron!"

Once Gon stomps off to Killua's bed angrily, stuffing himself with comical petulance into his sleep bag, Killua gathers up the sheet. He blinks, heart thumping to see all the dried streaks against the dark forest green fabric. 

Killua pauses, his throat tight, and he glances over his shoulder to...find Gon already nodding off, even if with a slightly cross expression. Face flushing, Killua saves his question, hurrying out of the tent instead.

And he isn't as experienced as Gon, washing clothes in the river. He's not as fast, and he's not as patient, and the sheet is especially annoying to deal with. Killua's cursing quietly through the task, and once it's complete, he's scowling as he sets up a line for things to dry on. Depleted, he sits firmly on a rock beside the little set up, elbows on his knees. The scenery is beautiful, all sort of a light, dusty orange, the shadows cast in sage. The sky isn't bright, quite yet—it's still groggy and pastel. Killua knows the sun will be up fully in a couple of hours.

"You're up unusually early."

Killua jumps with a high pitched gasp, then whips around with a scowl, finding Kite leaning against a thick trunk of a nearby tree. He definitely wasn't there beforehand... Killua scowls indignantly.

"It's not that weird! You and Gon have been getting me up early for a while now. Gimme a break, old man. Sheesh..."

Kite's eyes coolly find Killua's hanging laundry. A towel, underwear, and some sheets. Killua suddenly stiffens up, jaw dropping as his eyebrows lift, eyes widening as he pales. Then, color comes to his face too fast, shocking a smattering of pink across his cheeks and ears. Politely, Kite says nothing, but he does have a completely subtle knowingness when he looks back to Killua, which makes Killua cross his arms as he glances away. His ankle, just as stuffily, ends up atop his knee.

"How's Gon?"

Killua feels a subdued, welling panic. It could be coincidence he's asking like that...

"Whiny. He's still sleeping more than usual, and he won't stop complaining about being useless."

"He should be better soon."

"Probably. Wish he'd hurry up."

Kite leans off the tree, stalking away from the line to go to his own tent.

"Just because you're babysitting doesn't mean you should let your guard down, you know. Try to limit your distractions, if there's just one of you."

Killua stares at the last flip of silver hair as it vanishes into the tent, and Killua narrows his eyes, deciding that by his fickle nature, for the day, he does not like Kite.

Something about that encounter makes Killua decide he can't just wait around for linens to dry all day. What Kite said is true; his guard was down for a moment, so off his focus from his encounter with Gon. In light of that, Killua decides to make himself useful—he catches some fish, gathers some kindling, and kills a couple of flying game for later. He brings them to Kite, who sorts them, intending to skin them accordingly. Killua quietly stands by, arms pensively crossed as he furrows his brow into the distance at nothing in particular.

"I can cook these in a little bit. Why don't you go check on Gon?"

Killua swallows, casting an antsy glance off to the side. He can feel Kite noting it, and he closes his eyes with a hike of his shoulders, scowling as his brows pinch in the center with irritability. 

"Yeah," Killua says stiffly, plainly deciding not to protest, turning to go back to their tent.

Once inside, Killua's surprised to find Gon waking as Killua anxiously sorts things. Not out of any real neccessity to do so, but more out of needlessly busying himself. Gon's on his back, as he should be... and he stretches uncomfortably, not totally able to lift the arm that has the deep cut in it. He settles, blinking sleepily at Killua with heavy lids.

"How're you feeling?"

"Ready to get up, I think..." Gon sits up with a yawn, and Killua's eyes are stuck on him for a moment, privately adoring. 

"Well, good. Kite's probably going to cook for us soon, then he's probably going to want me to help him with stuff."

With the lack of response, Killua tilts his head, furrowing an eyebrow as he crosses his arms. Gon's expression is sunk with guilt, likely because Killua's doing work for both Kite and Gon. And worse, not even adequate work for Kite; Gon and Killua are most helpful to him as a team, and even Killua can tell that Kite is irritated by the current circumstance of things— _especially_ since it was born out of Gon's recklessness. But he's patient, too, always forgiving with Gon's imploringly hasty nature. His fondness for Gon is plain, so it's fine, Killua thinks.

"Stop making that face."

"It's not just that, I...feel bad, Killua."

"I know you do. So stop it. It's annoying."

"Ugh, Killua! You don't know what I mean," Gon snaps at Killua in frustration, expression immediately watering into something a bit more remorseful. Killua mercifully pauses to hear what Gon means, blinking in concern. "...To be honest... I really was hoping you'd offer, last night. To do the thing you did for me."

Killua's eyes widen, and he finds himself at a complete loss for words. So he stares, dumbly, with impossibly wide eyes, his mouth dropping a little. He'd of course figured. No, hoped...that was the case.

"—Uh?" is all Killua eventually manages.

"I know!" Gon shakes his head, wincing his eyes. "Ugh, it's so bad of me! But I really needed it, and there's no one else I trust..."

"...I told you I didn't mind, you dork..." 

Gon's slightly watery eyes are on Killua again, whose heart stutters. He can't believe Gon admitted it so plainly, but he'd be lying if he told himself he wasn't happy to hear it. In the worst ways, too. Greedily honored. Maybe even a little aroused by it. And here Gon was, feeling bad for a thing like that. Killua could have said no, and it could have just been a very awkward chapter put to rest in their past. More realistically, Killua could have not bridged the subject into an offer for Gon. And Gon thinks it's because of kindness, and not a dirty kind of avarice and appetite.

"...I always feel weird about doing that," Gon admits, glancing away. 

Killua sits between their bed sites, folding his arms over his knees. 

"Really? Why? It's normal to need that kinda thing, especially at our age." 

"I don't really know too much about it..." Gon shrugs sheepishly. "It's... no one's fault, I guess, but... I didn't know any other boys—you're the first I've met my age, Killua... And I didn't really grow up around any men. I grew up with just women... We don't even have locks in our house."

"Oh."

That's... illuminating. It's always so easy for Killua to forget that in his own ways, Gon's quite sheltered. Unlike Killua... He scratches his cheek, glancing off.

"Killua..." 

Killua blinks, lifting his head, and Gon's mouth is an uneven, wavy line, his face turning pink.

"Is it weird that it felt so good?"

Killua's face now reddens, and his throat squeezes, almost unable to speak for a moment. How did he get into this position? Even besides the handjob thing, what is he doing now? Giving Gon some kind of birds and the bees talk. Ridiculous. He assumes that Gon at least knows the basics, but... maybe not the more nuanced social stuff. Not that Killua's any expert, but sheesh.

"U-uh, what? I mean, probably not. You were pent up. You needed to unplug the dam, you know? So you were probably sensitive... Ready to burst." Killua swallows, hating how his dick lazily rolls in his underwear with a waking throb. Damn it. Recounting it is sort of turning him on. Killua feels Gon was really hot like that, all keyed up and out of control...

Gon's eyes widen a little, becoming a bit unfocused as he nervously clutches the material of Killua's sleeping bag.

"Um... I don't... think it's just that. I think, because it was someone else touching..."

"...Oh. That's...yeah, that's also normal." Killua's eyes absently find a fraying hem on the line of his shorts, feeling inexplicably a little uncomfortable.

"Also... Your sleeping bag... Everything here... I can't rest very well, you know? It smells like that scent that I caught before I finished, last night... And I had a crazy dream cuz of it, just now."

Killua's eyes widen slowly. "Uh huh," he says with dumb curiosity. Gon's eyes shyly find Killua's again, and he bites his lip.

"...It's morning, so I know it's normal, but it's already... It's kind of... more than usual..."

Killua almost feels like he's disassociating, for a moment. There's no way this is real, right? Again? Seriously? He couldn't be—

"...G-Gon, do you... Are you asking me for help?"

"You don't have to! It's not like I'm as frustrated as before, or anything! I-it's just because... The smell of your s—"

"Okay! Okay, don't. Just—stop." Killua glances over his shoulder, raising both sets of fingertips with splayed palms. He looks back towards Gon, cautiously lowering his voice. "Come to where I am, so we don't mess up any more bed stuff. Okay? Grab a towel from the duffel on your way over."

Gon blinks, shoulders dropping with what must be relief, and nods.

"Okay."

He does as he's told, carefully wiggling out of Killua's sleeping bag, grabbing a fresh hand towel, and settles on his knees in front of Killua. It's...decidedly awkward, the tension between them. Killua hangs his head, sighing as he rubs his temple, still in abject disbelief. Sensing Gon's discouragement as he leans forward, brows slanting back with concern, Killua lifts his head again. 

"Okay, let me just..." 

How is this so much more awkward feeling than last time? And last time wasn't even super smooth!!

Killua leans forward, pulling on the band of Gon's boxers again. Gon lifts his butt off his heels, this time knowingly and deliberately, squirming a little bit to help them slide down. It's not as aggressively hard, this time—definitely a less stressed out erection, Killua notes with some humor. But still big... Killua feels his appetite wet at the sight, and he's annoyed. Now he's definitely gonna be super turned on again... Whatever. He was already a little on the way. Hopeless, to be sure.

With pause, Killua licks his fingers, staring at Gon's cock. His saliva is thick, coating them suffeciently, and he gives another, broader lick to his palm. Gon swallows, watching Killua prepare, and his cock gives a lazy little bob in a covetous sort of envy he doesn't understand. He doesn't know why Killua looks so good like that. And on the other side of the coin, Killua's wetting a hunger he's more aware of—a line he doesn't dare cross, but is tempted to. It's weird to think of someone's cock as so delicious looking.

Managing to resist his own uncouthness at least to that extent, Killua then reaches forward, feeling a little hesitant. But he pushes that down, rolling the inner knuckles of his fingers along Gon's cock as he strokes upwards. Gon shivers, straightening a little as his brows pinch, frowning tightly. 

"Mmm..."

Killua peeks at his face, this time, unlike before—but only guilty, stolen glances, not wanting to be caught. He finds Gon's expression sweet, and it's weirdly erotic. Truth told, part of why he'd arranged himself to be side by side with Gon the last time he did this was so that it would be easier to not watch Gon's face—though it was true that it was also in part to simulate masturbation from Gon's own perspective.

This was... just more of a straightforward handjob. Killua's strokes are fluid and loose, and as Gon's tension begins to melt from the pleasure, Killua tightens his grip. 

Killua tries not to squirm when the tent fills with the wet, shallow sound of Gon's dick being worked in Killua's hand, irritated that even that's arousing him. Gon's expression is hazy and checked out, his face red as he watches what Killua does, occasionally fluttering his eyes closed to let go of a delicate, airy sounding moan that makes Killua's ears burn. Generally, he tries to keep his eye on the task, but naturally, as Killua feared, he's working himself up. He can feel it. He slows his stroking, gradually releasing each finger, slick strands of clear cords keeping his fingers and palm connected to Gon's cock. Killua swallows at the sight, exhaling a shuddering, slow sigh. It looks... really good.

Gon blinks, dazed, wondering if Killua wants to move, like last time. 

"Killua?"

Killua stares hard at Gon's dick, pursing his lips as he narrows his eyes, then without much warning, leans forward—his hand grasps Gon's dick again, but this time at the base, holding it steady should it bob or twitch. Gon's eyes widen with surprise when Killua doesn't _stop_ leaning forward, and when he feels the tickle of his friend's breath against his dick.

"K-Killua! Wh—what are you doing!? That's dirty! What if—"

Gon's breath strangles out his words in a high, quiet gasp in his throat, eyes going wide with shock, the warmth of Killua's mouth enveloping the glans of his cock. It's so abrupt it knocks stars into his eyes, leaving Gon to helplessly blink in shock.

"A-ah... Kil...lua..."

Killua strokes the lower half of Gon's dick once, feeling miserably guilty for this much as well. Who's using who, here? Miserably, part of Killua hopes that it can seem like it's Gon who's using Killua, just a little longer. Would Gon be mad, if he knew that Killua felt that way? 

Gon's taste is salty and heady, and Killua feels like his own response to the taste must be exaggerated, such in a way that it makes him flush with embarrassment. He feels like he's enjoying the taste alone far too much, and that in and of itself weirdly turns him on in a way he can't bother to unpack, right now. He sucks softly, mostly just with his lips, administering a series of silken, almost suckling kisses. Gon's body shivers, a long moan escaping him from the steady, plush and slick stimulation. Killua continues to wetly nurse the head of his dick, and Gon watches in hypnotized disbelief, his eyes half lidding again as he bites his lip. Killua can feel Gon's eyes on him, so he closes his own to quell his anxiety, breathing steadily through his nose as he sucks a little bit more of Gon in. He feels Gon tense, in his cock and his thighs and his lower back, and Killua dizzily wonders if Gon is trying to hold back, to savor. That would be a little contrary to their endeavors, wouldn't it? A little selfish. Killua wonders why the thought makes him harder, entering a painful strain. The idea of Gon being selfish with him that way. Killua almost wishes he was shameless or gone enough to jerk himself off.

"That's so... it's s-so—good," Gon stutters quietly, another little gasp punctuating his airy praise. Killua can feel his own dick push a welt of precum to its head, absorbed by the uncomfortably taut fabric of his underwear. He muffles a sound of pleasure around Gon from it, though it comes out sounding like a blase affirmative. He winds his tongue around the glans of Gon's cock, feeling the skin shift from the pressure, tasting another salty surge at the tip of him. It's good... It's better than Killua ever imagined it could be—he never thought he'd actually enjoy sucking someone's dick this much, even if it sometimes looked fun enough in porn to make his dick ache with envy.

Gon bites his lip, wishing desperately to interact; to touch Killua's hair, his face, something. It's like torture, watching Killua selflessly (according to Gon's perspective) do something so onesidedly when Gon can't even touch him as a means of simple, affectionate grounding. Gon also wants this to go on for much longer than he knows it will, because it feels too incredible.

Killua leans back a little bit, and wipes his mouth. Face hot, he gives Gon a glance that feels shy for what he was just doing. Gon meets his eyes with a slow blink, sucking in his lower lip. 

"Are you close? You're making a lot of the clear stuff."

"Y...yeah," Gon confesses. "There's no way I can keep going, it feels too good..."

Another thrill ripples through Killua at Gon's admission, and it's expertly stifled. 

"Alright. Keep your voice down, then."

And to Gon's surprise (probably having expected Killua to simply finish him by hand), Killua descends again, and Gon's body jolts with shock. He makes a strangled sound of surprise, and gratitude washes over Gon, watching Killua quietly slurp the top of his dick back into his mouth. And that's all he does, nice and simple—grasping the base of it, Killua merely sucks the head, descending only as far as just below it. He can feel the drag of Killua's lips underneath his frenulum, and how the suction catches wetly at the lip of his glans. Gon's cock quivers, and Killua makes a low sound, going a bit faster. Already, he's learned that's a tell that Gon is about to lose it. And that's when Gon's hazy focus on his friend snaps, every muscle seeming to lock up as it hits him, and Killua's eyes widen when he feels the first shot of Gon's load streak his tongue as Gon strangles a moan in his throat, unable to even put a hand over his mouth. The following bursts come just as immediately, of course, and it's more than Killua's prepared for, feeling like his mouth is filling too quickly. An eyebrow twitches, and Killua descends about half way down Gon's dick, letting the rest of it hit closer to his throat as Gon struggles to stifle down his desperate sounds of pleasure. 

Gon isn't able to keep totally quiet, but he's less loud than the night before—but there's more sounds in general: a series of thin, staccato moans, especially as he feels Killua swallow a couple of times, his tongue flexing warmly against the underside of his cock. It's not like anything Gon could have ever anticipated. Killua finally, slowly comes off of Gon, sucking lightly on his way to clean up any trace amounts of Gon's cum. Gon groans a little and winces in discomfort, then shivers when Killua gives a parting suckle to the end of Gon's dick, coaxing out the last bits of it from his urethra in doing so. 

And, just like that, Killua awkwardly leans back up, sitting on his heels again as he wipes his mouth. No big deal. 

Despite his casual withdrawal, Killua's face is red, and his breathing suppressed in even measure, but clearly labored. Gon can smell Killua's need, inhaling its scent deeply as he struggles to catch his own breath. Still panting, Gon manages to get himself together enough to look at Killua. 

"Th...that was amazing..."

"Well, _yeah_ ," Killua responds, shrugging a shoulder, desperately trying to remain casual. "I mean, it's supposed to be..."

"Mm," Gon sort of spacily agrees, though he's... never thought about it himself, before. He groggily collects himself, trying to push himself through the euphoric fog of his afterglow. "Um..." Gon takes a shaky inhale in, licking his lip. "...Actually, Killua, can I ask you something?" Gon wipes his brow with the back of his hand, minding his fingers. Killua glances at Gon uneasily.

"...Sure, go ahead."

"Well. A couple things."

Killua's expression thins in annoyance. " _Fine_. What?"

"Why did you do it that way?"

"...I figured it'd be more efficient," Killua half lies, feeling his gut twist from telling such a bald-faced lie. "You made so much last time, and I already did laundry, so the less suspicious route was to just... swallow it. I realized that if it got on the floor of the tent, that'd be even more embarrassing to explain."

"But it was a lot?"

"Yeah! I mean, not as much as last time, but still a stupid amount. And it's really bitter," Killua scolds, face reddening as he holds the side of his hand across his mouth. "That sucked." And he isn't lying; the taste wasn't pleasant, but it wasn't so offensive, either. Earthy, a bit salty... Not quite as bitter as he says, and the presence of that flavor was actually just enough to be... weirdly pleasant. Killua thinks, distantly, he'd happily do it again. And he kind of hopes he might. There's a weird aspect of fulfillment to it, he thinks...

"Oh! Killua, you didn't have to do it, then!" Gon's face flashes with shame and embarrassment, his shoulders hiking in surprise. Killua pauses as he catches that expression, kicking himself for covering his ass in a way that embarrassed Gon. After all, he already feels weird enough about this stuff... Killua shouldn't be making him feel worse about it.

"N-no, it's fine, it's fine! It's down before you know it. I'm just giving you a hard time."

"Okay..."

Concern covers Killua's features as Gon's expression becomes guilty and distracted, and he curls his hands at his knees a little. "What else?"

"Oh! Right. Um, so, can't I just do the same thing to you?"

Killua's expression goes blank, aside from a wide set of eyes.

"Huh?"

"I can't use my hands, but I could use my mouth."

"No!" Killua nearly topples over, completely flustered. "Gon, think! I have the use of my hands. I can do it myself whenever!"

"But Killua!" Gon frowns, leaning forward. "It feels really, really good! Way better than hands! And when you _didn't_ have the use of your hands, I didn't even think about this stuff! I didn't help you then, and you did something as crazy as that for me! You didn't have to, so stop acting like you did!"

"Wh—I would never ask that from you!"

"Weren't you frustrated when you were injured back then, Killua?"

"I..." Killua's face flushes. Gon had asked what Killua did to get off, back then, and Killua had neatly avoided the question. "I was fine! I didn't need help."

"Really? Then what did you do?"

Damn it.

Killua sighs, scowling as he folds his arms. "...I just...ground it into the mattress or whatever."

"Hmm." Gon tilts his head, looking thoughtful.

"Gon, drop it. It's fine." Doing _that_ against a tent floor would probably be pretty uncomfortable, even through a sleeping bag. And even if that were tolerable, Gon would have to mind shifting injuries. All Killua had to do was to keep his hands above his head, bracing himself by his elbows.

"Killua..." 

Gon scoots forward on his knees, leaning forward into Killua's personal space. Killua jolts and freezes, anticipating Gon, mind racing. Gon closes his eyes, nuzzling his nose into the crook of Killua's jaw, and Killua shudders, eyes closing. 

"Stop being weird, already..."

Killua says that, but he can't help but think that it feels amazing. He shivers a little, thinking he wants Gon to stay there. He wants Gon to nuzzle further in, dig his teeth into his neck, and not let him go. Gon's weakened arm slowly extends, brushing the backs of his fingers against Killua's lap. Killua gasps, eyes wide, and snaps his hands onto Gon's shoulders, pushing him away. Killua's cock, however, strains in mourning from such a teasing touch. Gon is aware of this.

"Quit it!"

"Killua!" Gon puffs out a cheek. "Let me! I want you to feel good."

"I will! By myself."

"But I wanna do it." 

Killua stares stupidly, his heart dizzily thumping, face heating. Gon wants to touch him? Gon... wants to be the one who makes him cum. Aroused as he is, it takes ample restraint not to lean into this information. Killua would be lying if he didn't immediately fantasize about humoring Gon's insistence. 

"Why?"

"Because _you_ made me feel so good..."

Killua pinches the bridge of his nose again, a palm on his knees as he lowers his head. "You're confused. Look, Gon: I'm just doing it because you can't, and it's not good for your health, right? I can, so I can manage my own health. It's fine."

Gon sulks angrily, chewing the inside of his lip. "You say that, but you feel a sexual response, right? Even though you're just helping, your body reacts. So you may as well feel good, too."

Killua's hand raises back up incredulously, fingers taut as he thrusts them in Gon's direction. "S-stop mentioning that! That's normal, it doesn't matter. And it's kinda besides the point. It's like—it's m-masturbation, you know? And I'm doing it for you cuz you can't, I don't need help with it on my end."

Something about it bothers Gon. Killua's logic is too circular, and it's making him suspicious. Gon was pretty sure whatever wild stuff Killua just did was not really part of the masturbation package that he was eluding to, which Gon is also pretty sure is imaginary, made up and stupid. Maybe he doesn't want it to be the way Killua says, but in Killua's mind, that's exactly what it is. God, he hopes. He isn't sure if he's prepared to accept responsibility for completely changing things between them... 

"Mmph, fine..."

Killua's not sure he's convinced, but if Gon backs off for now, he can hopefully work with that.

"Good. Here, uh..." Killua awkwardly moves his hands forward, between Gon's, helping him into his boxers. He knows Gon can manage it himself, but that it's still not easy. He glances up at Gon, who stares, a strange expression on his face as Gon's heart hammers. Killua can hear it; he's been trained to be aware of the pulses of people around him, since it can help measure things like excitement, panic, health... Killua blinks, wondering what Gon's feeling, and swallows. "...can you get your pants on?"

"...Uh huh," Gon responds with similar apprehension, and Killua stands. Gon boggles at him, Killua's wood pretty clearly visible with how it tents his shorts. 

Killua pauses, realizes, then covers his lap. "Don't stare! Stupid!!"

"I can't help it!"

"Why?!"

Gon's flushed, unable to help his curiosity. But Killua's pretty plainly put his foot down, so he scowls, glancing away. He grabs his shorts, standing abruptly. And Killua gawks at him like he's stupid. What, is he threatening to put his pants back on in defiance at Killua?

"Cuz I wanna touch it, idiot!! It's not fair!"

"What do you mean, it's not fair!? I was just doing you a favor!"

"Well, I wanna do you a favor back!"

"You don't have to!" 

"But I want to!"

Killua just sighs in tired irritation, the sound almost a growl. He ruffles a hand through the back of his hair.

"Gon, if you want to even though you don't have to, that's...something else." Killua's one to talk, and he knows it. But Gon doesn't!

Gon blinks down at his friend, anger dissipating in place of curiosity. "What do you mean?"

"That—I don't know. If it's not just to help out, then it's like, deliberately sexual."

Gon's expression flattens in disbelief, and it makes Killua tense. 

"Killua, you can't tell me that wasn't deliberately sexual."

"W-what do _you_ mean?!"

Incredulous, Gon throws out either of his hands in either direction from his body. "You like it! Sure, you're helping me, but your body tells me everything! You like what you're doing, and I like what you're doing to me too! So maybe, I'd like doing that to you! Isn't that pretty simple?!" Gon huffs.

"U-uh—..." Killua feels his mind go totally blank, eyes widening as he stares up at his friend, whole face hot as sweat beads on his pink-to-red face. Was he really gonna sit here and deny Gon getting him off? No, _could_ he? Did he have the will power? 

"B-but Gon," Killua tries again, swallowing hard. "It's—...Then that's just us... doing stuff, just because."

"Is that bad?" Gon asks impatiently, and Killua doesn't know what to say.

And so: "I... have no idea."

"...Then, can't I just do it back to repay you? Even if I happen to like it when I'm doing it, or wanna do it in the first place?"

Killua pauses, baffled, and scrubs his face with his hands, groaning. "Whatever, just. At least just wait to bug me about it when you're healed."

"I can help you now!!"

"No. You're not using your mouth," Killua says sternly. "cuz you can't finish me with your hands if you do."

"Then I'll just swallow it all, like you did."

Killua feels his dick jump in his pants, and it makes him squirm. He couldn't let himself think about it. Damn it. Stupid Gon.

"No! And anyway, you actually can't."

Gon blinks, and Killua sighs. 

"Sit back down, stupid," Killua says tiredly, crossing his arms and his ankles where he sits. Obediently, Gon does as he's told, sitting with his knees folded under him as he peers curiously at Killua.

"...Listen, I don't like talking about this stuff," Killua mumbles. "cuz it reminds me of what I really am. It's fine for me to swallow your stuff, but if you swallowed mine, you'd get really sick. So if you can't finish me with your hands, then it's not safe for you at all."

Gon looks desperately confused, and also a touch concerned. "Umm?"

Killua glances away, feeling ashamed. And it's for so many more reasons than just his base emotional ones, or what he's about to disclose. It goes deeper than Killua wants to get into, and so hopefully he doesn't have to. Hopefully Gon takes this vulnerable information, and is content not to push Killua any further.

"Since birth, I've consumed large quantities of various lethal substances to train my body to to be immune to poisons, toxins, and venoms. It's pretty standard in the assassin trade, and everyone in my family has the same immunity through that training. And even though I've quit the trade, I still train... And even if I quit totally, for a long time, I'd probably have enough toxins in my body at _least_ make you really sick if you swallowed it." Killua's hands curl against his biceps, his scowl deepening. "...If you're lucky. 

"It also conveniently keeps assassin families from breeding out recklessly; only assassin women can handle the semen from an assassin man, in that kind of example. A normal woman would probably die—if not from the first tryst, then at least from compounded ingestion."

Killua scowls at Gon, feeling...well, pretty gross. Inhuman. But hey, at least his boner's gone. 

"Do you get it, Gon? Even if you spit it out, even the trace amounts of it could probably make you sick for a little bit. You're already trying to heal from being an idiot in _other_ avenues, so maybe you should relax with this one."

Gon sits there, understandably quite dumbfounded. Killua feels his gut twist in shame. He never thought _this_ would come up, but spend a couple years living with someone...

"I had no idea..."

"Of course you didn't!! Why would I tell someone that!?" Killua snaps. Gon crawls forward by marching on his knees to get close to his friend again, gathering Killua's hands carefully in his own. It doesn't bring him too much pain, so he doesn't mind. And Gon's expression is resolute, and Killua's expression is back to being bright red. Gon's hands are so warm, a little softer than usual from his recent inactivity.

"Okay, so that... I understand, I think—I hear what you're saying. So I'll wait until my hands are healed. Thank you for sharing stuff that with me, Killua."

"—Huh?"

"I can wait...I think. But I still definitely wanna make you feel good. I hate that I can't right now; it's actually kinda driving me crazy."

"G-Gon! Listen to yourself, you _sound_ crazy!" Killua snatches his hands back, looking as if Gon had burned the flesh of his palms.

"Killua!! I don't care about that stuff! It's fine! I won't finish you with my mouth ever. But I can't let this be one-sided, so at least once, when I feel better, you have to let me pay you back! Okay? Or else I can't live with myself. I'll think about it all the time!"

"You'll what?!"

"Promise me!"

"I can't do that!"

"Why not!?" Even though his hand is injured, Gon shoves Killua with his stronger arm—which meant with his broken, injured fingers, pokes straight into Killua's collarbones. Killua's mouth drops in disbelief as he snatches Gon's wrist, shoving him back. Killua's sure that jab was painful, but Gon's face hadn't flinched at all when he did it.

"Stupid, _don't!_ Your fingers are supposed to be healing! You lunatic, doesn't that hurt!?"

"Let me do it when they heal, then," Gon said firmly.

"J-jeez, fine..." 

Killua stares in bewilderment, positively baffled that Gon so stubbornly wants to pleasure Killua. Certainly not even something he's imagined plausible even in his wildest dreams, and regrettably, Killua can kind of feel his dick trying to stir back to life over it. He doesn't understand, but supposes, ultimately, he made this bed. And Gon's in it. And he has to lay in it. With Gon. Fuck.

And just like that, Gon's expression eases into a chipper, wide grin, far too innocent considering their forced negotiations. He stands, carefully stepping into his shorts, suddenly more mindful of his pain. "Alright. Then don't help me unless I really need it until that time comes, okay? I'll let you know if I do." 

No more of Gon just selfishly imploring that Killua pleasures him because of the body's need to be tended to daily. Killua swallows dryly, feeling a little dizzy at the idea of getting to pleasure Gon in that state again—he remembers Gon's huge load, and how even without the use of his arms, Gon had managed to cling to him through that huge orgasm, cradling his head against the crook of Killua's neck as he fell apart under the weight of the euphoria.

Killua wants that again. He wonders if Gon can really last, but if he's determined...

"...Are you sure?"

Gon watches Killua as Killua poses the question, zipping up his fly as he does so with his good fingers. Somehow, it makes Killua's mouth water and his throat dry simultaneously, causing him to swallow awkwardly. Gon turns, his dark eyes still on Killua as he mindfully steps out of the tent, using the back of his injured hand to part the opening of the tent.

"...I guess unless you just really wanna do it anyway, Killua," Gon clarifies, and shifts out of the tent. His voice follows him out with a "That's fine, I think."

Killua sits there, positively in shock, the back of his throat still heady with the vestige taste of Gon's cum.


	3. The Anchor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As things develop, Killua reflects on what sex and sexuality mean to him, and challenges himself to leave Gon alone. Gon, to Killua's pleasant surprise, is having none of it—but not in the way he expects.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * **WARNING FOR SENSITIVE CONTENT:  
> **  
>  *This chapter deals with themes of abstract sexual trauma, themes of sexual abuse, and pedophilia. But there is no sex/non-con, or smut in general revolving around these themes.  
> A little bit of a shorter one, this time. I promise the next chapter gets back into the fun stuff, lol... I'm gonna try to get it up tomorrow or the day after!

_The moon was exceptionally bright, that night._

_The sterile inside walls of the high-rise flat were lit a pale blue, illuminated in soft diffusion, and Killua stood, bare legged, on the floor's luxurious tile. Absently, Killua wiggled his toes through his low white socks on top of the imported, off-white marble. Killua'd seen it a hundred times in a hundred different places._

_He was staring outside the window at the city landscape below, his gaze hazy and unfocused as the lights blurred into what looked like twinkling paper confetti. The whole north wall that Killua currently faced was made of thick, pretty glass, so clear he felt like he might fall through if he took a step too far forward, its edges framed by gauzy, expensive curtains. Perhaps to test it, his mind feeling as fogged as it did, Killua lifted a hand, resting it against the glossy surface there, and blood smeared in its place under his palm and fingers as he watched the city below merrily pulse with liveliness. He decided the cool of the bullet-proof glass felt nice. His elongated, pointed nails, not yet retracted, tapped almost soundlessly against the window from the contact. Blood was drying in a streak across his face, making his skin feel increasingly tight and dry as it did. The coppery scent smelled like relief, bringing Killua an ill-wrought sense of comfort in his disassociation._

_"Yeah," Killua said distantly, his clean hand holding a cellphone, half tucked away in a too-big shirt sleeve. Two feet behind him, a body was cooling. A high profile politician, aged 47, now amounted to nothing more than a heap, bleeding out and staining the porous, lavish marble tile, little rivers of it spreading expediently through the grout. "It's done."_

_Killua wasn't sure what emotion was coursing numbly through him when he was asked how it went, momentarily mulling over the nature of the question. It was curiosity—not concern. Not that Killua had expected anything else, or even wanted anything else. He hadn't yet the mind for it, frankly. Not in his trade._

_"Fine. Easier than normal jobs, as usual," Killua concluded, feeling hollow. Too empty to be upset. He just felt tired._

_The target in question was an extremely powerful man, and was often too well guarded and too well watched; simply being taken out in swift, professional motion in isolated public wouldn't do. It would dirty a clean job for the attention it would draw, no matter what—and that meant an unhappy client. The man's home was also, of course, out of the question. While it_ could _be done, it was outside of the client's budget to additionally hire Milluki for all of the technical espionage that would be needed for that part of such a job._

_But thankfully for their client, the man had unconventional, dark tastes. The honeypot method wasn't wholly unconventional in the assassin trade by any means, and unfortunately, neither was employing young killing talent to lure in people like this. It all depended on the target's taste. This man had a proclivity for the flesh of young boys. And it wasn't like Killua had to have sex with them, or anything. Not quite, anyway._

_Killua didn't like it, though—of course he didn't. He hated the way their eyes so lewdly stuck to him, he hated how their withering, leathery hands felt smoothing up the sides of his flesh, he hated their kisses full of their rotten tongues, and most of all, he hated how they made him feel. The salacious things they said, and how, slipping into a role so he didn't have to think about it, Killua responded verbally in kind, leading them right along until, finally, Killua could snuff them out. It was always right when it became a bit too unbearable, which in a way, was like Killua's own climax in their endeavor. It wasn't sexual, but damn if it wasn't a satisfying culmination of the ruse. Even if Killua's mind thrummed with a head full of static and nothing, there was hardly marks as pleasurable to execute as these men specifically._

_In particular, this was Killua's third job like this. It wasn't common, but it wasn't uncommon enough for Killua's taste. Killua was almost 11, by this job. And there was something inside of him that made him relate to these men, though it was by no means a fair view to turn on himself at his age, and it wasn't like it was something he could talk about. This was more realized in the next year, in retrospect, but the truth was, though Killua hated how these exchanges went, and he hated these men—he knew that he had a curiosity for it that Killua didn't feel for girls. Something he wished he could explore in a way he actually wanted to explore. From such a repulsive origin, Killua realized his own attraction in men, even if never to his targets specifically. But exactly how Killua wanted that sort of experience for himself wouldn't articulately illuminate itself until he was 13; right now, it just felt like an impossibility for a person like him, too abstract and too nebulous to comprehend._

_The way their mouths touched him, or the way their hands grappled at him, or how their fingers dug into him... It didn't feel like there was any way to be this sort of person except for in a way that was unholy and dirty._

_"Yeah. See you soon."_

_That night, the call concluded, Killua heavily let his arm drop as he stared out the window with dark, unreadable eyes. His phone clattered onto the marble from his lifeless grip, and he stood that way for a long time._

_Killua decided he didn't want to be an assassin anymore._

_\---_

Killua isn't sure exactly when he first began to think about sex, or his own relationship to it—as is own, autonomous person. Almost as soon as puberty began to turn its gears, Killua was exposed to new, different sorts of torture for new, different sorts of work. Ways that would make him effective in the honeypot method of assassination. He began to train against drugs most commonly used to drug intended victims of assault. He was made to endure things more terrible than he cared to recount, but kept his mind so distant from it that the memories weren't outright traumatizing. Or so he thought. It was better that way.

Killua is grateful that he'd never had to have sex with any of his victims, or have sex forced on him in his training... but there was a part of him that always felt queasy and distrustful when it came to adult men. After all, even if they'd never had sex, Killua still felt the swell of their horrible arousal against him, and at times, there wasn't always even clothing between them to protect Killua's sanctity. And, unfairly, it made him lift his lip in sneering disgust at his own interests and inclinations when it came to the same sex, sometimes. And Killua still feels this way, sometimes... but it's diminished more and more.

And it's because of Gon.

Gon, with bright, barley amber eyes and wide, beautiful smiles, with a laugh to match. Killua had been dazzled almost immediately, and he still has been. And Gon has been someone safe for Killua to turn his eyes on—in ways. Of course, it wasn't ideal to develop a crush on one's best friend. And that crush had deepened into something deeper—worse, in Killua's opinion, through Greed Island. Killua wishes he could say he's happy that way, but now he feels uneasy. Miserable, guilty, predatory, for manipulating Gon around his own desires; it felt impossible to quantify his desires in any pure, innocent way with the origins of his own realizations. And surprisingly, Gon, so far, seems to be reciprocating interest... maybe. Killua doesn't want Gon to feel like he owes him anything, because Killua's the one being selfish. 

But it's been too hard to resist. Someone his age, someone he likes, someone who made Killua feel tethered to his own innocence. Someone who isn't knowingly and repugnantly indulging in something vile. And it's a little ironic, that way. Aside from his anxieties surrounding taking advantage of Gon, Killua loves that. 

Unfortunately, if things are to continue to escalate, Killua can't hide his true feelings forever. About his orientation, about the origins of his experience, about his feelings for Gon specifically. And he knows this. And that's the truest, biggest root of Killua's fears. Gon now already knows about the toxic attributes to his seminal fluid, which was something Killua never hoped to share with anyone (especially his best friend!), even if it meant limiting his experiences in sex. He hates being reminded of how fully weaponized he is, to where things like organic expressions of love and sexuality were tainted, forcing him to face his reality: he is a killer, a living and breathing weapon with no liberty for something as frivolous as intimacy, no matter how his heart swells and yearns. Killua knows, of course, that he's, most simply, a person. He's a person, first and foremost. But Killua also has to constantly remind himself on order to hold onto that humanity. He isn't sure what he'd do, if he had to tell Gon about his sexual history. 

What Killua had done to Gon the night before, sucking him off... It was blissful and exhilarating beyond compare, and thankfully, Killua had never done it before. The men often wanted it, but Killua never let it proceed. It was disturbing to think, sometimes, that if he'd stayed in the business, he may have eventually pursued it as a means of exploration at the expense of his targets... And every day, Killua is grateful he met Gon, and didn't become that person. 

And he wants to feel the same as Gon, even if it's a lie. He wants Gon to think they're the same. Normal boys.

And while Gon is his certainly far from normal, it's in a far different way than Killua is abnormal. It's why his gut turns, rotten with guilt, with every passing moment since the previous night. Killua busies himself dutifully under Kite's command (and surely with no lack of grumbling for it), and while Gon is put out by his inability to help at the capacity he desires or Kite needs, Gon seems to be in good spirits to be around Kite at all—and for this, Killua perseveres. He likes to tell himself that's the only reason.

So that night, when things are finally winding down—everyone's eaten, the day's chores have been done, and Kite has made some headway into his simple logging and other extraneous tasks related to his current Hunting job, Killua now occupies himself with not sparing more than two glances in Gon's direction. And Killua knows that Gon has taken note of this, for the way that Gon's gaze holds onto Killua's passive, avoidant posture and glance, obviously imploring for connection that's so clearly and deliberately denied on Killua's part. It makes him anxious, but he doesn't want their behavior to be too altered outside of their... exchange in mutual favors, especially not after Gon had ordered to slow things down until he can reciprocate Killua's touches.

Unless Killua really wanted to, Gon had said. Just recalling his words makes Killua's throat feel tight, tense below his belt in ways he just doesn't want to think about. But it's hard not to, especially at his age. How the fuck is he _supposed_ to think about anything else? But Killua's surely endured worse torture than resisting the boy he likes so dearly. Right?

That night, in their tent, knuckles scraped and dirty, Killua is neatly, carefully and mindfully folding their laundry. And, just as ever through the day, Killua's making a point not to look at Gon—though every corner of his mind screams for that, at its base. It screams for much more, too. Killua foolishly had broken his own dam, and is now struggling not to be swept away by the roaring tides of his desire to find a safe way to be himself with the person he likes and trusts the most. Gon is watching, and pursing his lips. Through the corner of his eyes, Killua catches that Gon's gaze eventually drops, and in his sling, Killua peripherally catches some movement from Gon. An idle, testing flex of his fingers.

"It's a little easier now," Gon says idly, and Killua pauses for just a handful of seconds, then nods, resuming his tidying. Gon frowns thoughtfully. "My fingers still don't bend the way I want them to, but my arm hurts a lot less. It's easier to move."

"Don't push yourself," Killua responds in nonchalant sort of warning, smoothing out a crease in some fabric. To Killua's own subdued horror, there's nothing left to fold, so he wanders idly to his sleeping bag, and decides to change. "You probably have a month left before you can safely move like normal."

It's something that never used to make his heart race. He and Gon had been naked in front of each other a hundred times before this, but somehow, now, it gives Killua some anxiety. He plays it cool, desperately wanting to remain casual—platonic, like Killua wasn't infected with his horrid desires, like he wasn't responsible for everything that had happened, and for everything feeling weird. 

"Mm..." Gon tilts his head, rolling his eyes as his sharp brows knit in consideration. "Yeah, but I healed in one month instead of four back at the Heaven's Arena."

Killua bristles. He'd been thinking about that, but had elected not to comment. He hangs his head heavily as he changes his underwear, pretending to not notice how Gon's eyes are now curiously—hungrily?—on him, like Gon too is noticing how the simple nature of nudity has been carnally altered. Killua feels disgusting to think he's the catalyst of such a change. He should have just let Gon suffer—it would have been kinder, ultimately. Killua always failed in these moral tasks, he felt.

"Even so," Killua sighs tiredly, and Gon is quiet, watching Killua as he slips into his sleeping bag. Gon blinks, finally breaking his gaze away, looking thoughtful. 

"I'm gonna change too," Gon says suddenly, and Killua blinks, lifting his head.

"Oh—sorry. Do you need help?"

"Nope," Gon asserts confidently. Clearly, he's trying to prove something to Killua, who pushes himself into a seating position with a sigh that's both dramatic and tremendously weary.

"Gon—"

"I told you, I'm okay! Look."

And, against his better judgement—perfectly aware of it, as a matter of fact—Killua does, but he keeps his expression non-plussed and uninterested as Gon gets to his feet. Carefully, slipping his arm from his sling, Gon undresses—but because of the nature of his healing injuries, he's slower and more careful than usual. Every inch of skin exposed as he undresses makes Killua's throat tighten as he watches, and he damns himself for how he feels the root of his cock lift with tension for it. Killua scowls like he's annoyed at the pace of Gon's undressing and redressing, and not like he's annoyed that he's helpless to his attraction. But Gon beams expectantly to Killua when he's finally changed, and Killua rolls his eyes. 

"Alright, fine. Good job."

"You don't have to look so mad," Gon says, expression immediately somewhere between miffed and childishly sullen. Killua's gaze chases away, embarrassed for how endeared he feels.

"I'm not mad," Killua mumbles, shoving himself back fully into his sleeping bag, shoulder roughly hitting the ground against the layer of cover provided by the tent.

"Are you going to bed?"

Killua feels a tense pause in the air with Gon's question, and he shifts his thighs subtly, hoping his erection will diminish. "Obviously. It's late, and I'm exhausted. I'm still picking up your slack, you know."

"Oh," Gon answers simply, and Killua privately kicks himself as he turns his back to Gon, deciding if he keeps his eyes off of him he might survive his excitement. After another moment, Gon follows that up with: "Are you not having fun, Killua?"

Killua answers with his own pause as he considers his response carefully.

"No—...No, I am," Killua concludes. Not just because of the weird, reckless foray into sexual exploration, but for time spent among people who he could relate to and who cared about him. Because any time at all spent with Gon was better than any time Killua had ever spent with anyone in his entire life. Of course he was having fun. There's some remorse in not conveying that more clearly, Killua decides—but positive emotional expressions, basically forbidden by the nature of his family household, simply did not come so naturally. In a way, it was easier to just suck Gon off to orgasm than to simply relay the full extent of his positive feelings. His heart was too full, even prior to those events. It felt unnatural. How the hell was Gon to take it?

"Well, good," Gon says, and Killua untenses with some relief for how without a beat that response comes. Gon's voice has an airy, pleased quality to it; Killua can tell his friend isn't just placating. "Goodnight, Killua."

"Yeah. Goodnight, Gon."

\---

It's decidedly chilly, that night. Killua doesn't sleep deeply in the first place, by almost any means. But there's been something distantly irritating the back of Killua's psyche, since somehow stumbling into this situation with Gon. Well—truth told, there were a few things. First, the guilt that he'd been playing it far more casual than it really was, at least for himself personally. He was aware of his romantic feelings for Gon, and he'd desired Gon sexually for some time—just in careful, private measure, able to easily compartmentalize his reactions and behavior around his friend.

But there's also been the problem of feeling almost unable to compare Killua's sexual experiences with Gon to his previous sexual experiences—work related, and completely without spirit. Without presence, nearly; Killua had gone somewhere else for those experiences, just as he did for kills themselves, and there'd been a small weight of concern that Killua's wires might cross... 

Of course, with Gon, it's different. Killua feels safe, and more incredibly—bafflingly—he's having fun. And Gon's admitted to his own desire to do things outside of the nature of his injury, even if that's what started it (probably), so... it isn't so bad.

All the same, when Killua finally falls asleep, it isn't too much later that he quietly jerks awake, body awash with cold sweat, his heart racing. He feels slightly nauseated, and he sits up, eyes wide as he puts a hand over his dry mouth. He has nightmares like this often enough, though they're seldom triggered lately. And sometimes, Killua doesn't actually remember the nightmare. Usually (though not always), that has a common root. Those are usually nightmares about his training for honeypotting, or the culminated reality of that training, likely triggered by this new sexual activity. Breath quiet and heavy at the same time, Killua closes his eyes, hand still covering his mouth.

_Calm down._

The cold dark bites Killua's bare arms, and his shirt feels a little damp in the air.

As Killua's eyes adjust, he turns his head a little, and jolts a bit when he notices that Gon is also sitting up, looking towards him.

"Killua?"

It's unusual for Killua to wake Gon up, especially a distance away, and in the first place, when Killua never suffers his nightmares or terrors in thrashes or gasps. Gon's a heavy sleeper... so Killua wonders if it's just Gon's excess energy not being burned off that's leading to poor sleep.

"...Yeah."

"Are you okay? You got up suddenly."

"Yeah. I just gotta pee."

"Oh."

Killua stands, mindfully kicking down the rest of his sleeping bag, and makes his way outside of the tent. It'd been a lie, but it wasn't like he couldn't just go use the bathroom anyway. Once done, Killua crawls back into the tent, feeling the cold settle down nearly to his bones. Still, he remains stoic, almost too drained to complain about it like he might if he felt a bit more spirited. Gon's still sitting up, and Killua can see he's tilted his head.

"Goodnight," Killua mutters.

"Killua?"

Killua pauses as he lays on his side, staring at what he can't even see is the nylon wall of the tent, his knees a little bit curled. 

"Yeah."

"It's kind of unexpectedly cold, isn't it?"

Killua furrows an eyebrow in irritation, looking over his shoulder.

"Put on a longer layer."

"I don't wanna get it all stinky."

"We can just wash it."

"Killua, can't I... just come over to your sleeping bag?"

Killua sits up suddenly again, his eyes wide as he stares at Gon through the darkness, eyes wide. 

"What?!"

"Killua! I mean... We've already done some crazy stuff, what's so bad about sharing a bed sometimes?"

"This is way smaller than a bed!"

"Does that really matter? Aren't you cold too?"

Killua's silent for a moment, staring still, his heart racing. He swallows, then scoots back.

"...Don't whine at me if you don't give your arms enough space..."

"I think they're almost better," Gon replies, and his tone is suddenly so brilliant. Killua sighs witheringly, rolling his eyes away slowly. Gon knows he's gotten his way. As usual...

Wasting no time, Gon makes his way carefully to Killua's sleeping bag, and reaches his weak arm forward to touch with uninjured fingers. He finds Killua's shoulder, and Killua feels his heart skip a beat at the contact. He reciprocates, holding Gon's wrist, and gently guides him into his sleeping bag. Killua then slowly slides back onto his side, this time facing away from the wall of the tent, facing Gon. His every nerve and sense is tuned into the way Gon gingerly and thoughtfully settles his way into the other side of the bag, slotted right beside Killua. 

Killua extends a hand forward, carefully zipping up the toothy split in the bag to hopefully cover Gon's shoulder. Killua's eyes are half lid, staring at Gon disbelievingly. This close, he can sort of see his face.

"Are you planning something weird?"

"Nope! Not until I'm healed," Gon answers matter of factly, and he smiles toothily, seeming pleased with himself. Killua's lip lifts with an annoyed little smirk, and he extends his hand to slip up Gon's shirt. Gon blinks.

"Mm? Killua? I told you unless I need it—"

Killua tickles up his side lightly, and Gon writhes with a laugh, gasping. 

"Killua, stop! That's not good for it, either!!"

Killua laughs, retracting his hand, though... he really wants to keep it there. On Gon's side, or his hip. He's so close he can practically taste Gon's breath. Killua wants to kiss him, but Killua's already selfishly had enough of Gon. His appetite is disturbingly deep. 

It seems Killua's stopped just in time, because Gon's recovered with a breathy little fit of laughter, seeming delighted by the attention. Killua's heart twists and he smiles, expression softening helplessly.

"You jerk," Gon says through a grin, giving Killua a little kick. "While I'm helpless."

"You don't even know..."

There were worse things Killua wanted to do to Gon while he was more or less half immobile... If he let himself keep exploring with his mouth and hands, he might escalate to other things. Killua swallows at the thought, glancing off uneasily, his smile waning just a tad in guilt.

"It's already getting a little warmer," Gon observes merrily, and it pulls Killua's attention back to him.

"Yeah. Did you just want an excuse to be close?"

"Maybe. I like being close to you."

Killua sort of doesn't know what to do with that honesty, or what to say to it, so his eyes just widen and he grits his teeth.

"Jeez! How can you just—you're shameless."

"Hmm... You are too, a little..."

Killua and Gon continue to chat and banter through their late evening (or, well, early morning), and Gon finally admits he's getting sleepy again. It's not long before he's nodded off, and Killua watches him in disbelief. So close he can feel his warmth; their ankles are touching, carefully and incidentally entwined now, and Killua's heart feels deplorably full for it. Does Gon feel this way even a little bit? Is it just him? Like they could just waste the whole day tomorrow, just laying around close and talking... Though it wasn't like Killua could ignore his hormonal desires for that long, realistically.

The rhythm and sound of Gon breathing isn't unfamiliar at all, but it's different up close, in the still, night air. Killua's more aware of Gon's scent like this, too... and while he isn't as sensitive as Gon with olfactory stuff, he can sort of see where he's coming from. It's not arousing, but it's comforting.

Killua must be staring at Gon like this for some time, beside himself in utter disbelief for the happiness he feels, because Gon eventually stirs awake again. Groggily, and just barely—he rubs his weak, unmarred hand's knuckles across his eyes, murmuring, and Killua stiffens up a bit, his face flushing pink. 

"Killua, you're still up?"

"—Um." It's all Killua can manage.

"Here..."

Gon yawns, then as he settles his hand back down, he rests it over Killua's. Killua's heart jumps and his stomach lurches, immediately stammering as he yanks his hand away.

"Gon, what the hell!"

"Killua!" Gon whines in a sleepy, irritated grumble. "You swallowed my stuff yesterday, why are you acting weird about me touching your hand? Put it back."

"Don't say it like that," Killua replies rigidly, the tips of his ears burning, and Gon stubbornly reaches his hand forward to push his fingers in-between Killua's. And slowly, gently—Killua's grip remaining gentle as well, this time not yanking away for the sake of Gon's healing arm—Gon eases Killua's hand back down between them. And loosely, Gon's fingers close that way, his thumb stroking across the knuckle of Killua's pointer finger. Killua stares at the barely-visible point of contact in stunned silence, glancing up at Gon to check if he's... lost his mind? Regrets what he's doing? Is having second thoughts?

But no, Gon is simply falling back asleep, despite how his thumb strokes across Killua's hand.

And eventually, the warmth and weight of Gon right beside him, holding Killua's hand, pulls him back to sleep.

He doesn't have that dream again.


	4. For the Upteenth Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gon and Killua get carried away, but to Killua's ongoing and irrational dismay, the consequences are well worth it.

When Killua wakes up, he feels warm and unusually groggy. He knows it's early, because not only is it cold, but it's still mostly dark, a cast of pale yellow gilding the edges of things in a hazy glow amid the dust. Gon is still peacefully sleeping beside him, which surprises Killua—Gon typically throws himself around quite a lot more, and so does Killua. Maybe it was the confines of the sleeping bag, or the general knowledge that someone was closer by than usual...?

Gon isn't holding his hand anymore—not exactly—but when Killua wakes, his hand is still resting in Gon's lazy palm, fingers curled gently to inadvertently cradle the comfortable swells of Killua's palm. 

Killua watches Gon again, and he feels his heart begin to pick up its pace, feeling something within him both lovingly still and swell tremendously, grateful for Gon's features to come more clearly into view. Which feels stupid, and embarrassing—it wasn't like he didn't know what Gon looked like. But he never tires of it, just staring at Gon this way. He can't help it. Sometimes, Killua thinks about how he can see a subtle shifting in his features... Killua wants to grow up beside Gon, just like this, but knows that Gon can't be his sole purpose alone. He still has to look for his own thing, and Gon has to keep pursuing the things he's already got. 

It's another point of regret in letting all this happen, because Killua can sense it. It's like a snowball rolling down hill, its momentum and size already dangerous. Killua licks his lips dryly, eyes still stuck on his friend as he shifts at his hips. Killua can't win against the strange, rolling feeling of desperation overtaking him with the thought of leaving Gon when they're tangling so deeply this way. And what's worse: Killua doesn't want to stop. How could he, as a red blooded teenaged boy? So Killua lifts his hand carefully from Gon's, and as he slowly extends it, Gon's breathing shifts a bit, his brow twitching, like his body's sensed that something is missing. And when Gon seems to settle again, his breathing evening out deeply once more, Killua reaches his hand forward to carefully cradle Gon's jaw and cheek in his hand.

Killua exhales slowly and quietly in a long wind, brushing the pad of his thumb softly across Gon's lip.

Killua had already woken up hard—such is life and so it shall be for quite some time—but this engages him more directly, and less in the nebulous, morning fog where his sexual appetite has no real direction. Killua feels himself pulse a little, and he bites his lip a little bit. He won't, but he wants to kiss Gon.

It's enough contact to make Gon stir again, and this time, he opens his eyes. Just half way, and then he blinks twice, the second blink getting his eyes nearly all the way open.

"Killua...?" 

Gon lifts his hand, absently touching Killua's hand where it rests against his face. 

Shying self consciously away from his more romantic desires, Killua's hand slips away from under Gon's, glancing away. He flusters, and he can feel himself going pink in the face, and Gon's expression melts from curiosity into a sleepy, warm smile, eyes sort of falling half closed again in an easy, comfortable way. Killua can see enough of it through his peripheral to know he's in trouble, and Gon outstretches his weak arm, thumb brushing across Killua's heated cheek. The touch startles him, his body starting a little, and his eyes snap right back on Gon. Gon's still smiling, this time with less teeth, and he rubs his face again. Killua wants to snap at him, ask what the hell he thinks he's doing, but—he'd been doing just the same, and worse, while Gon was asleep. He had nothing to pin on Gon, but didn't know what to say. So, uselessly, Killua opens his mouth to say something, finds no words, and sort of just snaps his jaw shut, tension rolling to his shoulders as they hike with unease.

Gon's hand travels from Killua's hand to his shoulder in response, smoothing along his neck on its way, and Killua winces his eyes shut, his breath getting caught small and tight in his throat as he shudders. It's sort of a surprising response to Killua, an unexpected warm thrill purling through him. And when Gon's hand makes it to Killua's shoulder, it's a warm pressure, somehow kind despite its firmness as he forces Killua's shoulder back down. Gon then smooths his palm down his arm, and Killua realizes, as soon as he's done being completely overwhelmed by such nothing, innocuous touches, that Gon's got some deliberate weight to his touches. Killua blinks, shyly lifting his chin a little as he peers up at Gon.

"Does your arm feel stronger?"

"It does. Maybe not 100%, but it's comfortable to move it."

"...What about your fingers?"

Gon quirks his lip thoughtfully, moving his hand away from Killua, and he curls and uncurls his fingers between them, watching until he wears a little frown.

"Still a little weak."

"So you're mostly healed..."

"Mhm."

"What about your other hand...?"

Killua reaches forward, and with a bashfulness that's palpable to Gon (it regrows his grin), Killua gathers up Gon's other wrist, settled somewhere between them. He peeks at the bandages, gently, and experimentally, pressing his thumb against the bandages specifically over the worst of Gon's wounds.

"That still hurts a little, but it's better."

"...I'll have a look at it when I redress it."

"Okay," Gon answers softly, and his other hand is back on Killua in that way that's sort of aimless and confusing to him, but Killua is shocked to where he's almost sort of disturbed by how much he likes it. His palm strokes his arm, the hollow of its warm palm inadvertently cupping the back of Killua's arm, moving to his scapula.

"What are you doing?" Killua finally asks, unable to help himself from fidgeting with embarrassment, and Gon carelessly shrugs a shoulder.

"Just touching. I like touching you."

"Wh-what do you mean...?"

Killua glances from where Gon's hand holds its full contact on him back to Gon's face, and finds that his heart is racing. Which is sort of stupid, he feels. Absolutely nothing is happening right now—they've _certainly_ done crazier things than stuff like this, but Killua is finding himself almost as nervous as when he was preparing to blow Gon.

"Mm? I've always felt like that," Gon replies, and his eyes fall to their point of contact. "I mean... It's true I wanna touch you that way, but I've always liked this, too. Since we've done _that_ kinda stuff, it's okay if I do it a little more of this kind of thing, right?"

"I-I guess," Killua responds, his eyes widening as his posture goes rigid. "It's kinda different, though."

Gon's eyes snap back up to Killua's, wide and curious, and there's a pause held between them in the chilly morning air.

"Is it?"

"Of course it is! Don't be stupid."

Gon frowns, a little frustrated that Killua makes it sound like the most obvious thing in the world, and brows furrowed with determination, Gon strokes his hand further down Killua's arm, to his wrist, the edge of his hand. Killua feels his heart stutter, and it takes a lot of willpower not to just spaz right out of his sleeping bag.

"...I don't get how, but... does it bother you, Killua?"

Killua's jaw drops as he once again finds himself lost for a response, and he swallows. "N...no, I guess not." In fact, he's sort of loving this. He doesn't want it to stop, really... Not that they had all the time in the world, or anything. But all the same, Killua finds himself savoring every little touch. It seems he really did want Gon's hands on him, which he finds with no surprise. Of course he does. In fact, his body is getting a little ahead of where Killua's head was at, for certain, but Killua's finding himself strangely none too pressed about it. It's soothing; simple.

"Mm," Gon responds, his eyes falling closed. And Killua lifts his eyes again moments after, just to carefully, quietly watch Gon. He's touched Gon to orgasm, sucked him off, and this somehow still feels so brazen... Like something Killua isn't allowed to do. Like perhaps his contributions as a tool, as he's been raised, tips the scales; his use as an object outweighs his simpler emotional human desires and needs.

Stealing glances at Gon's soft expression in adoration as he always had, still exactly as it always was... Gon's right, isn't he? An escalation in affection isn't unreasonable if they've done some sexual stuff, and Killua's heart races, worrying that perhaps this... isn't just transactional. That was maybe naive of him to think in the first place. Somehow, the softer things feel more forbidden, like a line that shouldn't be crossed―but sticking Gon's cock in his mouth was something Killua had a line on as well, and he sure did cross it. 

All the same, this simple, soothing stuff seems so natural, on Gon's end. How does Gon feel, Killua wonders? Is he just going along with something because it feels nice, not thinking of it's far reaching consequences? That sounds right, which is why the responsibility is on Killua to have self control.

Unfortunately, however, it feels that Killua's already destroyed all of that. It's mounting his anxiety, like his fight or flight is kicking of. But all the same, he definitely has half a boner, so this is all very confusing. Too many feelings, though there isn't much happening, all told. Killua fights himself for a moment, watching Gon relax, and shyly returns a little stroke of his thumb against Gon's hand. Gon opens his eyes to give Killua a warm smile, radiating with such earnest, affectionate sincerity, and Killua's eyes soften with emotional, feeling irrationally torn in ways he understood too well to not be overwhelmed by.

And Killua's seized in part by another anxiety; the fact that he feels like Gon can understand some of the feelings that he's trying to keep hidden. Maybe not like the deepest nature of his affection, in a word, or the extent of his fear―certainly his hesitation, and... Gon had mentioned that he could... smell it, the last time. But out of his budding selfishness and desire, Killua tries to hold fast, not freak out, and to maintain Gon's eyecontact―though Killua's lip quivers a little.

Killua's fear regarding Gon's senses are confirmed not long after.

"Killua," Gon breathes sleepily, tilting his head as he scoots a little closer, close enough to where Killua feels like he can almost taste Gon's breath. His dick comfortably and without urgency sort of pulls in Gon's direction in a beat, and Killua resists the urge to lift his legs to obscure how by now, he's become almost fully hard. Killua's sure with the warm, still air between them, Gon most surely smell it. Maybe almost taste it, like Killua to his friend's breath. Wow, that's a thought. What is he doing to himself here? Fuck's sake. "Do you wanna touch me?"

Killua almost jumps with surprise, but suppresses that too―but his eyes widen a little before they quickly dart away, wide as his expression blooms a flustered red. Gon can tell, he knows it. And Killua's reminded of when Killua said he didn't want Killua touching him, unless Gon could touch him back... Unless Killua just couldn't help himself. That's something Killua doesn't want to be put into the position of admitting.

"I―th-this is fine," Killua answers shakily, and in the peripheral of his vision, he sees Gon's eyes have gone soft in his tender, sleepy state, his lips wet briefly by a thinking, slow lick of his tongue. Killua's eyes are reflexively glued to the motion, and it makes him want things so much less innocent than what he's getting.

"But you smell aroused," Gon points out bluntly, blinking like he's confused, and Killua's eyes tear right back to Gon's with an incredulous snap of his teeth, jaw clenched in irritation. "It took me a little while to figure out what that scent was, but..." Well, with the state of Killua's body in the presence of that scent every time...

"Don't just say that!! Jeez, you idiot! Besides, y-you can't...you can't touch me yet. I won't let you, even if you're doing better already, so let's just not."

"Mmm..." Gon wiggles a little closer, and Killua's breath actually hitches, his eyebrows raising. From the drowsy tone of his voice to the way he just casually keeps coming closer and closer... Killua has to wonder if Gon is doing this on purpose. And to be doing that, he must be surely aroused as well. Killua can't help it, so he glances down―and indeed, Gon's cock is hard in his underwear. Just about half way, but even that is... well, enough to make Killua's mouth water and his dick throb. Killua squeezes his eyes shut. Damn it. This is... difficult to be strong through. "You can touch me differently," Gon suggests sleepily, his tone half inquisitive, like he's musing for ideas.

Killua blinks, then lifts his eyes to look at Gon, and remembers to furrow his eyebrows incredulously like _Gon_ is the idiot who doesn't get it―despite Killua's curiosity. "What do you mean, 'differently'?"

"You don't have to touch me _there_ , you know... if you wanna touch me," Gon explains, and Killua's eyes widen, suddenly aware that it seems like _Gon_ is the one trying to seduce _him._

"Gon," Killua says in a little gasp, trying his best to sound incredulous and put off.

"Go ahead," Gon insists, but his tone is so passive and casual, it doesn't sound like Killua's truly being pressed. And Killua rolls his eyes away in angry little scowl. He's familiar with Gon's body. Though, of course, as per Killua's recent reflection, it's been looking a little different―not because anything has changed, or because Gon's body is suddenly inherently more erotic, but it's all skewed some kind of way from the new context. It's a lot harder for Killua to decontextualize his attraction as he diligently has been since it developed. 

"What's the point in that?" Killua sputters incredulously, wiggling and shifting like he's trying to self consciously scoot away―and Gon hooks his calf around Killua's, their legs more entangled than before because of it. Killua's heart excitedly hiccups, and he feels his cock strain just a little bit harder. "I only ever touched you in the first place because you needed it!"

"Well... It's a little fun," Gon answers with infuriatingly characteristic simplicity, and he scoots closer, pelvis first. Killua bites his lip, watching as the proximity between their laps cozily comes closer to near contact. There's a part of his brain screaming in desperation for their erections to brush, and he's embarrassed for such a silly feeling desire. Killua finds himself unsure of how to counter that, stammering uselessly. "Is it wrong to do this stuff just cuz it's kinda fun, Killua? I said you could touch me if you _wanted_ to..."

"D-doesn't that make our friendship kinda weird?"

Killua doesn't even want to touch the subject of whether or not Killua _wants_ to do _anything_ , because of course he does. He wants to do _everything._

"Weird...? Does it?" Gon tilts his head innocently, and Killua feels a little anxious thrill roll through him for the way that Gon's eyes comb down his body. The way the dark cedar of his eyes sticks to him here and there makes Killua want to squirm with discomfort, but he finds it turns him on, too. Unlike when those men raked Killua's body with similar hunger, which was revolting and made Killua resent his own skin. It's hard to resist the allure of exploring with a boy his age, Killua concedes to himself, and swallows hard, his breath shaking on the exhale as he feels his flesh dampen with the beginnings of sweat. The way his pulse goes, the way he's at a tight-throated loss for words, the way Killua feels pressure to counter, evade... 

For what?

There is no battle, here. Killua reminds himself that against his mounting nerves as he tries to trace their various sources in his mind, but it feels dangerous all the same. It's confusing, and no matter the case, increasingly hard to fight his own desires. However, the attraction that goes beyond the physical... and that's what scares Killua most of all; a door unopened, understandably unexplored for someone his age... and most of all, for someone with his background.

This is a chance to just do something normal, to paint his sexuality with a brush that feels good instead of nauseating... But it feels wrong to take that gamble with Gon, even with his insistence. If things go badly, can they go back to normal? Is there a potential loss that they won't recover from? Will they not be friends, if this eventually takes some kind of turn?

Jeez. If he keeps thinking like that, Killua decides sardonically, his dick will go soft in no time. Maybe if he just keeps reminding himself of all the depressing risks...

"I don't know," Killua finally confesses, frustrated at running into uncertainty like that again in the face of Gon's curiosity. Gon's watching his face again, carefully and imploringly.

"Does it make it weird, or..." Gon's expression is almost a little shy, the way he then smiles; Killua's heart clenches with adoration, and his eyes widen just a tick. "...maybe...a little special?" There's a sheepish little giggle that follows, airy and pleasant, and Killua's almost sort of annoyed as much as he's hopelessly endeared by it. Gon's charisma is deadlier than his reckless tendencies, though this might qualify as both of those things. He's impossible to say no to...

"You're so pushy," Killua mumbles sourly. "Just the other day you told me I couldn't touch you!"

"Unless you really wanted to," Gon chimes back again, this time in a way that's both chipper and matter-of-fact, straightening his posture as he blinks his wide eyes. Killua's expression flattens in irritation, ears burning pink. Is Gon trying to get him to admit that he wants to touch him? Does that mean Gon _knows_? It may seem obvious, since Killua's aroused, clearly stimulated by their close contact and their budding, uh... habits, maybe. But that could simply be Killua's young, hormonal body reacting physiologically! There's no way Gon knows what's outlined by Killua's personal desires... He hopes. Damn it. "Unless you tell me you really want to, you can't make me orgasm, though. But touching like this is okay, just little stuff for fun."

"You idiot! What do you think is gonna happen when you get all worked up!? You're gonna get all frustrated and bitchy again, and you're gonna wanna get finished off!"

"Nuh uh! That was from a long time of neglect."

"How the hell do you think that's gonna compound, Gon? It's gonna be way more intense."

Gon's cheek puffs, brows knit crossly in irritation, and he squirms a little closer. Killua's body jolts when Gon gingerly takes Killua's hand with his unmarred hand, guiding it towards his body. 

"Gon!"

"Killua!" Gon scolds back, and he brushes Killua's hand across just below his chest. Killua's eyes are wide, glued to his own hand, and he glances back up at Gon―who is insistently scowling. Killua rolls his eyes, then deflates with a huff. Gon knows that Killua can't say no, and even worse, he might have the sense Killua doesn't truly want to. So Killua, glancing away shyly, opens up his hand to spread his fingers across the strong flat of Gon's upper abdominals, his palm flattening there. Unable to watch himself, or to look at Gon's body, Killua closes his eyes as he swallows, brushing his thumb across the hidden swell of his pectoral's underside, his palm flush against the groove of his abdominal muscles. 

It feels good. 

Gon watches Killua curiously, and Killua feels the soft curve of Gon's palm cradle the notch of where his neck meets his spine. It makes Killua's hairs stand on end, like every cell of his body is reaching to meet the contact. Killua feels his muscles relax a little, somehow, as Gon continues to gently stroke across his shoulder blades or his arm. Killua's eyes are almost dewy from the embarrassment and the overwhelm, eyes only partially open as he looks back up at Gon―startled by his intense stare, but not surprised.

Gon is a lot to endure, even with something simple like this. He's an intense person. Killua can't deny that it turns him on, even if it's challenging to deal with. 

"Are you holding your breath?" Gon asks innocently, and Killua feels immediately shocked by embarrassment, because he hadn't realized. 

"N-no," he lies, probably exhaling more air than is normal in the reply, and Gon smiles in a gentle, warm way that carries to his eyes, softening their intensity. 

"Touch me a little more."

Killua stares for a moment, frozen by the command―it really feels like an order, despite Gon's affectionate (is it affectionate? Oh God) stare and sweet, quiet voice. He swallows again, and his lip is back caught between his teeth as his eyes finally fall on Gon's body. He stares at his chest, and Killua strokes his hand across in a way that's almost―oops. No. It's...certainly a grope. Humiliated by his hand's honesty, Killua's hand suddenly launches off Gon's body, as if burned--and Gon catches his wrist.

This time, he doesn't say anything, and he watches Killua's hand as he brings it back against his body. A little stunned, it takes Killua a moment to reboot, and he hesitantly repeats the motion―a bit more gently, and Gon sighs, resting his head back on his pillow with a bit of a tilt, elongating the line of his neck. Killua's eyes catch the spread of warm skin with a pining ache, and before he knows it, he lifts his hand to stroke across Gon's neck. Gon finds it a little ticklish for the little laugh Killua gets out of him, and Killua's heart practically flips from the reaction. He settles into a content mumble as Killua's hand strokes a bit more flushly, and his thumb catches along Gon's clavicle. Killua exhales shakily, feeling himself grow a bit more confident, maybe because Gon's eyes are closed... and maybe because of the way Gon's touch gently mirrors him, his weak fingers brushing across the side of Killua's neck. Killua shifts, feeling himself throb―and they almost touch that way, too. Killua shudders, eyes closing as he wets his lips, hand blindly catching the hem of Gon's shirt. His other hand wanders to push Gon's shirt up a little more, freeing it from how it's pinned beneath Gon's side.

Gon's mouth subtly parts, eyes still closed as Killua's hand strokes across his bare stomach, then feels across his chest. Gon's brows twitch a little bit, and then his mouth is pursed a little bit shut again, shifting at his hips similar to as Killua had. Killua's heart thuds hard, wondering if Gon liked having his chest touched... Curiously, Killua brushes his thumb across Gon's nipple, and he doesn't get much reaction―until he strokes it the other way across, and a little sound gets stuck in Gon's throat. 

"Feel good?" Killua asks curiously, seeming to find himself feeling a bit more comfortable as the one who's getting less attention... or rather, given prompts to act involuntarily like how Gon just had. 

"S-somehow, yeah," Gon breathes, blinking like he's surprised. "I never thought about that..."

"Some guys like it," Killua explains in a mumble, eyes half lid as he gives Gon's nipple a little pinch. Gon squirms, bowing against his touch, and Killua's dick gives a bit of a rowdy roll within its confines. He's definitely getting harder. Killua's legs shift again, and Gon makes a small breathy noise. 

Gon grunts, then cracks open an eye, peeking at Killua. "I liked the other way more..."

Killua glances back up at Gon, then strokes his thumb across Gon's nipple once, a simple back and forth. "Like that?"

"Y-yeah," Gon breathes, brows slanting back as he sighs. Killua bites the inside of his cheek, now annoyed he'd agreed not to be touched... Seeing Gon like this is working him up, even if it isn't the first time he's seen it. It seems that Gon likes to have his body stroked, which made sense, given his insistence... Sparing Gon some mercy, and also not wanting to work him up to the point of no return, Killua stroked down his side, and his other hand replaced its brothers previous placement beneath the warm enclave of fabric, feeling around his muscles. 

Killua smiles in a way that looks a little tired, but it's more like a subdued feeling that comes from a heavy blanket of arousal. Killua may feel desperately horny, but they're close and cozy, languidly touching despite the tension between them.

"Wowww, you're getting a little out of shape," Killua snickers out a little.

"Killua!" Gon scowls, snapping out of his blissful trance, and gives Killua a little push on his chest using his knuckles. "It's not my fault!"

"I know, I know," Killua teases. 

"Jeez..." Gon huffs. "Well, then...are you gonna check my body again when I'm healthy and back to training?"

Killua is embarrassed right out of his brief lapse of smugness, and he blinks stupidly.

"U-uh. Maybe. I don't know. What kind of question is that?"

"What if I tell you to?"

Killua closes his eyes, clicking through his teeth in flushed irritation as he tilts his head closer towards his pillow, embarrassed and... hopelessly turned on by Gon's nature. It's cute, but also kind of... What is it... Domineering, somehow... The idea of Gon bossily telling Killua to inspect his body with his hands makes his blood hot. It's embarrassing to think that he might like that sort of thing, but Killua's arrested with shameful memories drummed up in the past by his mind's eye. Gon being forceful and insistent, using Killua like a sock, but impossible to resent despite it. Killua groans, embarrassed, recalling both that fantasy and how many times it's made him cum hard enough to knock the wind out of him a little. Killua doesn't see it, but Gon watches him tuck away like that with ceaseless adoration. And other things.

"Whatever. You got your way this time, it's not unlikely you'll get it again."

"Good," Gon answers brightly, laughing. "Then, hey, keep touching me..."

"You're so needy!"

"Of course I am! I've been bored."

"So you want _this_ weird shit?"

"It's not weird, is it? Isn't it normal to like this kind of thing? We're at that age... Not that I know a lot about that stuff, but..."

"Mm... I guess, but still..."

As they continue to chat, Killua's hands are still wandering under Gon's shirt, groping his body here and there and stroking in others... Though he's lost some muscle mass, his body is still sturdy and has a pleasant pliancy beneath his touch. The plush but resiliently springy swells of muscle... Gon seems to be developing into the kind of body that holds onto muscle no matter what, which is a possibility when given thought to alone enough to make Killua feel crazier. It makes Killua curious to know how Gon might look when he's older, and thinking about it makes him ache in his lap, sure, but elsewhere as well. He wants to see that. He wants to watch Gon grow up, and he wants to do it by his side.

Ugh, how pathetic. He can never just keep his dick in his fantasies, can he?

Killua just keeps his hands moving, guilty for how he tries to memorize the shape of Gon beneath his shirt―likely as he uses these same hands to get himself off. Which, fuck, he really wants right now. He's so turned on it's unbearable.

"Hey, I think I thought of something good," Gon says suddenly, and Killua's snapped out of his tactile trance, which snaps him into embarrassment. He blinks at Gon, who carefully rests his wrist on Killua's waist―which immediately, urgently, sends a jolt right to his dick, and Killua tries (and fails) to suppress a shudder. Gon eyes that curiously, but resumes, and Killua feels antsy for his own found thrill of such simple contact; Gon's arm around his waist is such an alluring, comforting idea... He wants that, too. Just the casual contact, but somehow...sweeter. Once again, a craving for validation in Killua's truer desires. 

Gon subtly pushes his wrist against Killua's waist, as if trying to avoid any burden of pressure off from his hand, and Killua peers at Gon curiously, furrowing his eyebrow, wondering what he was getting at. At the same time, Gon scoots forward―once again, pelvis first, and Killua feels his cock strain immediately, throbbing out a wet gush of needing precum. He can feel the heat of Gon's lap come closer, and the impressive lurch of his cock trapped beneath the confining fabric of his briefs. Killua's jaw actually drops in a silent gasp, his eyelids fluttering closed, and his body jolts. Gon watches curiously, and furrows his own brow with determination, pulling Killua's hips a little bit more insistently.

" _Gon_ ," Killua utters breathlessly, feeling like he hasn't quite recovered just from the suggestion of Gon's attempt, head spinning. And Gon watches Killua, who for once, is too distracted to notice―and he angles his hips a bit as he pushes forward again, making contact a bit more flush, a bit more workable. "Oh my god."

"Feel good?"

Gon sounds a little cheeky, and as Killua, mouth still lightly agape, opens his dewy eyes half way, he finds Gon's smile. 

"Move your hips too, it's a little hard with my hand..."

"Gon," Killua repeats thoughtlessly, then bites his lip. He's afraid if he indulges Gon, he'll really lose it. But he's past being able to resist, at this point―so Killua holds Gon's hip with some trepidation, and moves his hips with Gon's. It's a little hard to get close enough, laying on their sides, to get full contact from the grind―ideally, they could have their erections slotted beside one another, the underneath of each stimulated by the other's hip and pelvis... Oh fuck. The idea makes Killua's brows tick as he sucks in a little gasp, making a strangled noise from the clumsy suppression. His eyes are fixed between them, watching how their full, needy cocks rub with chaste yearning against one another. And it's tamer than most porn Killua's seen, but altogether more erotic than anything he's ever imagined. 

"I-I," Killua stammers stupidly, blearily looking at Gon again, unsure of what he even meant to say―his nerves and hormones are colliding and simultaneously sending him into sort of a tailspin, and Killua feels helpless to stop this, as well as mysteriously unable to remind himself of why he _should._ It was so clear, even five minutes ago. 

"It's nice," Gon sighs, eyes momentarily sliding shut, and he keeps moving his hips. It has good rhythm, for Gon's lack of awareness around this thing―it makes Killua feel like Gon might have some kind of...good instinct. Oh god, Killua feels like he's going to die. 

He reaches a hand between them, letting go of Gon's hip, and extends his fingers as much as he can to grab the both of them in a tight squeeze. Gon lets out a sharp little gasp, and Killua feels a smug sort of pleasure shock through him, his breath becoming subtly heavier. He squeezes them in his grip, and sort of rubs his hand the way one might to get something off their fingertips against their palm. It causes the heads of their cocks to rub through the warm, damp fabric, and Gon's head suddenly drops, letting go of a high, urgent moan, sounding almost surprised. Killua feels crazed watching him like that, though of course he feels it too. It feels amazing; the hot swell of Gon's impressive dick feels good against Killua's own. Firm, but somewhat pliant, and his own hand does nice to assuage the wanting ache that comes from that tease. Killua could extract the both of them, and they could finish like that, and, fuck―

"Wait," Gon gasps, and Killua clicks his his tongue teeth in irritation, scowling at Gon.

"What do you mean, wait?! This was your idea! Stop jerking me around."

Okay, poor choice of words, maybe...

"Ah, but―I-I'll―"

"Cum? Already?"

Killua does more of the rolling motions with his palm, and though it's a little bit difficult with the cloth, he _sort_ of manages to stroke them, and it makes his own breath catch. Oh god, it feels good. It feels so good. "What's wrong with that?" 

"A-aahh, but I, oh―" Gon shudders, and he bends a little at his waist; Killua's sure his toes must be curling, and his brows are slanted back as he trembles from it. And Killua loves that, drinks in the sight of it. 

"Your issue was you didn't want it to be onesided, right? Isn't this a loophole?"

"Mmm, Killua..." Gon's voice still sounds like it's a little pleading from the keening to his voice, but maybe like he's caving a little. Or losing his mind to the pleasure just enough to not be able to have the cognizance to argue. Just as well, too―Killua wants to see Gon cum again... It'd be nice to feel something while he did it, too. And this is exactly the hill Killua was afraid of rolling down, but Gon's pushed him enough, so here they are. No stopping now. 

"If I get off too, it's okay, right?"

"Mmm... I wanna see it," Gon says suddenly, his eyes opening hazily as he takes in big breaths through his open mouth. Killua's confidence is suddenly gob-smacked, and he blinks wide eyes stupidly at Gon. "Your face, when y-you..."

Killua grits his teeth suddenly a shivers hard, and Gon can feel Killua throb against his own dick. Since when does Gon talk like that? Is he literally just picking stuff up from Killua? That's too much power, for fuck's sake. Killua feels dizzy.

"Do it more," Gon whines pushily, squirming his hips into more rolling thrusts. "Do it more, Killua, do it more..."

But Gon had just been complaining he didn't want to cum... did that mean he accepted Killua's loophole? That he expected Killua was going to cum soon? Killua gave no such indication. What a cocky little shit.

Killua squeezes the both of them as Gon moves, but doesn't reciprocate movement in his own hips―his heart is racing, and he feels like he's gonna cum if Gon keeps talking like that. Killua wonders if Gon's even aware of how he sounds, and it's hot beyond belief―his tightened grip was meant to relieve some of the sudden tension, but the way Gon moves, however subtle from just his work alone, is enough to almost send him. So, shit. Maybe Gon had been right after all.

"Fuck, Gon, shut up," Killua gasps. 

"It feels so good," Gon sighs sweetly, and he rests his arm across Killua's bicep. They're almost close enough to snuggle, like this―the air between them is stuffy and hot, peppered with Gon's airy sounds of pleasure―Killua wants to catch every lovely sound in a kiss, muffle them against his lips and tongue so he can feel Gon's voice. More than ever, Killua's so sure that Gon's breath and tongue must taste so sweet. "Killua feels so good..."

"―Fuck!" Killua's body tenses and he involuntarily squeezes their dicks again, and Gon makes another alluring little murmur from it. "Gon, seriously," Killua warns tensely. He wasn't expecting this morning to be a play-by-play of fifty percent of Killua's imagined phrases from his self-made jack-off library. It feels like they're playing a tug-of-war game with edging, however they got there...

"Mm," is all Gon says, eyes blissfully closed, and then―unexpectedly, and definitely with disappointment, Gon does stop. His hips stop moving, and he blinks his eyes open, seeming suddenly distracted from their grody hubris. Killua pauses too, and as Gon tries to suppress his heavy breathing, so does Killua. They both carefully tilt their heads, listening, seeming distracted from their bad behavior.

"What the hell is taking so long? Get up already," the two hear from an agitated Kite, his voice stern outside of their tent. They can make out his incredibly blurry silhouette in lean height alone, probably about a yard from the entrance. "We have things to do."

Gon's eyebrows raise and his mouth drops in a low, flat line, clearly mortified, and Killua slaps his hand against his face as he grits his teeth in miserable frustration. Of course. They'd gotten carried away, just as Killua had feared, and now that he was being ejected forcibly back down to earth, Killua realized he was probably 20 minutes later than usual to getting out of the damn tent.

"Tch, don't get your stupid cummerbund in a wad," Killua rudely yells back. "I'm redressing Gon's hand!"

"And what, are you chasing him around the tent to catch him first? Hurry up."

"I'll be right out, _jeez_!!" 

And, clearly _beyond_ and _worse than_ irritated, Killua shoots up into a sitting position. His dick is still extremely hard, and he's been fucking blue balled by their own hubris. Killua shoots daggers at Gon, who innocently curls with a blink and an awkward, tight little smile, sweat rolling down his cheek. Killua points at him aggressively, mouthing the words _your fault._ Then he stomps to a stand, marches to the first aid he's been keeping near Gon's bed, and stomps back to where they'd laid to find Gon sitting up, posture straight as he sits on his knees, cock still comically hard and at needy attention. Killua pointedly tries to ignore it.

"Give me your arm."

"O-okay."

Killua manages to skillfully redress it, though Gon winces a couple of times (he's sure Killua's being a little ungentle on purpose), and then Killua wordlessly puts out his own hand in a blunt gesture for Gon's other hand. Gon deflates with a little sigh, offering his hand on the other arm, and Killua inspects it, first... Gon had been able to use it, though it had been weak. He tilts it this way and that way, then stares dully into Gon's face as he squeezes it, pressing his thumb into his palm. 

"Ack―" Gon winces harder, his posture bowing a bit, and Killua seems satisfied, indicated by the subtle curling of the corners of his mouth. Gon frowns sorely at Killua's pettiness, but doesn't complain further. 

"It's basically better... We probably don't even need to dress it. Nothing open's left, and you can move it... We should probably dress it anyway, even though it's healed," Killua concludes with an irritated twitch at the corner of his lip as he smiles wryly. Given the excuse he'd just yelled at Kite so brattily... of _course_ Gon would mysteriously be mostly healed. What was this little idiot made of, anyway?

"Mm..." Gon watches as Killua is looking at his hand again, and Gon demonstrates this fact by closing his finger around Killua's thumb. Killua jumps, then, face about as red as Gon's seen it so far, he lets go of Gon's hand suddenly, pulling out of his soft hold. Gon laughs impishly through his bared teeth, and Killua goes to yank on his undershirt and shorts. 

"God, you're so stupid. I'm gonna make you do so many of my chores when you're better."

"That's fine."

\----

That day, Gon eventually emerges from the tent to assist with easier stuff, and also to get some socializing in with Kite. Killua watches them as they chat, and the way the hard, angular edges of Kite's face relax and his eyes go mellow with fondness as he watches Gon bound about. Killua can't help but scowl with the utmost resentment at it, however, unforgiving of Kite cockblocking him all the way until the sun goes down and their various tasks for the day are accomplished. Gon, clearly sprung by a boundless well of pent up energy of two kinds (the first being unable to get off in the morning, and the excess physical energy from being holed up for a few days), has been an absolute motormouth, running all over the place and wanting to play. It's also something Killua would have appreciated more if he could fix his eyes on Gon without his dick immediately trying to slap him in the navel in response, so Killua's sullenly avoided looking at Gon, too. 

Kite had been aware of Killua's sour mood the whole day, and for his shitty attitude that morning, he certainly didn't feel bad about it.

Once finally back in their tent, Killua and Gon's demeanor both immediately change―they lock an exchange of tense, awkward stares, and Gon stomps up to Killua. Killua's immediate reflex is to brace defensively at Gon's intensity, but he holds his ground.

Killua _is_ , however, surprised when Gon marches straight up into his personal space, close enough to make Killua lean his head back a little and sputter. 

"Wh-whoa, Gon―"

"Let me do it..." Gon's clean, bandaged hand―the one he'd been playing lame with all day―rests on Killua's hip. Killua's cock immediately responds, as if anticipating from the proximate contact. Killua blinks, eyes wide as he swallows. Sure, Killua's mind immediately went to picking up where they'd left off as soon as they drew the tent closed, but...

"H-huh?"

"I wanna see it," Gon states unhelpfully and firmly, and his eyes are suddenly locked on Killua's, and Killua swallows. Then, Killua looks irritated, catching himself from acting on the impulse to smack Gon's hand off him. Though he probably could, without hurting him bad enough to set any healing progress back... But better safe than sorry.

"See what, you idiot?"

Gon's expression softens a little bit, almost a little coy, and indeed, his dark eyes cast sideways a bit as his fingertips trail across the rippled ruching of the elastic of Killua's athletic shorts. Killua feels his heart stop for a second, and he (gently) grabs Gon's wrist. It's that that gets Gon's eye contact again, and he puffs his cheek brattishly.

"I wanna see what it's like when Killua feels good!"

"This again?" Killua rolls his eyes, then glances away, scratching the back of his neck. "I mean... We can do what we were doing this morning," Killua explains, as if reminding Gon. It's a loophole compromise. Neither of them wants to touch the other if it means one of them isn't getting theirs too. Killua won't let Gon touch him because of his injuries, and Gon won't let Killua touch him without reciprocity... But honestly, the more Killua plays this game, the more aware he is that he's just playing himself, and he's beginning to feel increasingly stupid. That also might be the sexual frustration, too.

"No," Gon says, and Killua only manages to focus on Gon again without wanting to die of embarrassment because of the ire that flares up in him. He scowls irritably.

"No!?"

"I thought about it all day!" Gon shouts back, and then the two of them suddenly raise their eyebrows, simultaneously turning their heads to the entrance of their tent. Not because they'd sensed anyone's presence, but because that experience had humiliated them both enough to try to be a little quieter about their horny juvenile nonsense. After a tense pause, they're back to scowling at each other. "I thought about it all day," Gon repeats, his voice in a tense, quiet hiss. "I wanna do that thing you did! I wanna see what it's like, and I wanna experience you getting off."

Killua's dick doesn't dislike the idea. Even though they're quibbling, it's been steadily hardening, and Killua figures Gon is the same.

"What did I warn you about this morning? I _told_ you you'd get all crabby and desperate if we fooled around like that!" Killua hisses back. Maybe Killua had assumed it would lead to them getting off that _morning_ , but it seemed to apply in this unfortunate circumstance as well. "What are you even talking about, anyway?"

Gon scowls, pausing, and then says sternly, "My mouth."

"Huh?" Killua's shoulders drop with surprise.

"I wanna use my mouth on you..."

Oh. God. Does Killua ever want that too. Especially with his current frustration from almost getting off in the morning, being interrupted, and not having a fair chance to mitigate that tension through the day. In fact, it's Gon's fault that they're in this annoying situation; Gon on his knees sucking his dick _sounds_ like a pretty penance, and Killua literally absolutely needs to stop thinking about it right now. His will power had already been so weak in the morning!

"Don't be stupid! Why are you so fixated on this, anyway? I already explained why you can't!"

"But I don't have to _finish_ you with my mouth," Gon points out. 

"Yeah, well, you can't finish me with your hands, either."

"Then, maybe... Killua finishes Killua."

Killua's ears burn bright pink instantly, and he slaps his hand over Gon's mouth, posture shrinking with embarrassment. "I'm not gonna do that!! That's way too embarrassing."

Gon's eyes narrow bitterly and stubbornly, and though his hand still hurts, Gon grips Killua's wrist. Killua watches him carefully, brows knit tensely, and Gon gently removes Killua's hand from off his mouth, which Killua seems to passively allow, perhaps out of curiosity and some anxiousness―and Gon's eyes fall partly closed, tongue parting the subtle rouge of his lips to stroke hotly across Killua's finger pads up to their second knuckles. Killua jumps with a jittery gasp, and Gon can feel how Killua's hand twitches at the wrist―but he doesn't pull back. Eyes wide, almost fearful (but that isn't quite it), Killua is stunned, watching the velvety push and pull of Gon's tongue.

"G-Gon," Killua stammers weakly, his resolve audibly crumbling, his voice having almost a weakened, unsteady quality to it as Gon's eyes fall closed, lips closing around the tips of his index and forefinger as his tongue completes its stroke across them. 

Gon lets go of Killua's wrist then, after a pause that feels exaggeratedly drawn out despite being actually shockingly brief, and opens his eyes back up to peer at Killua. His expression isn't so severe, now, but it's resolved. Killua knows he's doomed, because Gon knows Killua wants it. He's known. Maybe he's been able to tell for longer than Killua had previously considered. Killua swallows in a way that disrupts his breath, and it's then that Killua becomes aware that his breathing is perceptible in the still night air, even among the joyful, mindless chirr of crickets and frogs. 

Killua practically feels his legs go to jelly when Gon's weaker hand brushes its back across his hard cock, across the silky fabric of his shorts. Gon leans forward, and Killua's embarrassed that he gasps again a little bit when Gon's suddenly so close, his nose brushing near his ear, feeling the feathery mass of his hair shift. Gon's breath tickles his neck and his eyes wince closed with a little sound that's unfamiliar to Killua despite also being its origin, and Killua realizes Gon is smelling him. It's during this distraction that Gon's stronger hand is working with the weaker one to pull down his shorts, and 

Killua lets him. 

He shivers from how Gon nuzzles him again, and Killua feels and hears his shorts drop, and Gon's softly squeezing Killua in little half strokes, mostly with his forefinger and thumb―his forefinger brushes back and forth across the clothed lip of Killua's glans, not unlike how Killua had played with Gon's nipple earlier. A gasp stutters in Killua's throat again, his cock responding graciously to the attention, but Gon never meets it with anything firmer, more enclosing. By their stupid spoken contract, Gon's not breaking any rules. Just like how Killua hadn't broken any rules by fisting over both of their dicks so clumsily, this morning.

 _What about you?_ Killua wants to ask. _If you get on your knees and suck me most of the way off, how are you gonna cum?_

But Killua's voice is all dried up, tense, and most selfishly and horribly of all, Killua doesn't dare interrupt. His heart is racing. He's wanted this, and he knows it's wrong―it's _all_ wrong, of course, but what Killua's really wanted is to martyr his body for Gon's entertainment. It's been a recurring fantasy since Greed Island, since Gon said there was no one else but Killua who could handle him. It was a horrible sentiment for Killua to pervert, wanting to use his endurance to "handle" him in other ways, but he couldn't resist it even when he'd tried. He had a really serious crush on Gon, and Gon was trying to bully Killua into a blowjob.

And how could he resist that, realistically? A blowjob from the boy he was so enamored with. It'd be stupid to resist the opportunity, though deplorable to encourage it―but like this, Killua's finding he has some plausible deniability. Like if Gon's the one being so insistent, Killua can pretend he wasn't originally the grand manipulator... which is terrible. But god, Killua wants it. His pride doesn't want him to go back on his words, because he doesn't want to show how desperate he is... but hormones are intoxicating, and Killua is finding they _really_ fuck with his judgement. 

But despite his racing thoughts, Gon stops, and he leans back, peering at Killua with an earnestness. Killua's face is flushed, his eyelids heavy. Gon extends his unbandaged hand to softly brush his thumb across Killua's cheek, and Killua immediately tucks away from it, mouth wobbling, feeling more shy and scandalized by that then Gon yanking down his shorts to touch his dick. Gon tilts his head, brows slipping back with some concern, and Killua knows Gon's checking on him. Despite Gon's stern insistence and the sudden overlap of reality and his fantasy, reality had hit him as soon as Gon leaned back. The reality is that Gon absolutely wouldn't do something quite so monstrous, because Gon cherishes Killua, and the unavoidable confrontation of that thought gives Killua stupid butterflies in his belly. Sure, Gon would probably get carried away and could be thoughtless that way... but he'd never so deliberately disregard Killua.

"It's fine," Killua says quietly, and Gon's smile returns quite ardently, which makes Killua's heart flutter. He frowns a little, glancing away. Adorable bastard.

"Then? Umm, actually... Let's get comfortable," Gon laughs, rubbing the back of his neck, and Killua glances at him with a flat expression. Here he was thinking Gon was gonna get on his knees and give him a show, but Killua supposed in hindsight that might be a little advanced... Killua's not confident Gon's even seen porn, given their previous conversations. So maybe that idea wouldn't come to him organically. 

Killua scoffs. "What, you don't wanna stand around and huff me 'til you bust?"

"Killua!" Gon scolds, then lowers his voice again. "Be nice. Come here."

Killua rolls his eyes, and is privately delighted by the way Gon takes his wrists, leading him to Gon's sleeping bag, this time. And you know, it's not the epitome of romance or luxury, but neither is this whole...arrangement. God, was that what this was turning into? Again, part of Killua feels stupid for being upset at that, and the other half of him feels indignant at the half of him that feels stupid for it. Sheesh. 

Killua wiggles out of his underwear and then settles, feeling more than a little awkward, and Gon does too. Killua watches with unamusement as Gon stares curiously at Killua's erection. He reaches forward, as if to touch it, and Killua gently blocks his hand. 

"Even if you hold it gently, you'll probably get carried away."

"But it's so hard, it's stuck to your tummy! How am I gonna―" Gon scowls, frowning thoughtfully at Killua's urgently hard dick like it's some difficult math problem. "I gotta direct it..." Gon's eyes roll up to Killua's as his eyebrows raise, and he points at his own mouth. "...to my mouth, right?"

Killua hates himself for how his dick jumps at that sight and those words, especially because the motion pulls Gon's gaze back down immediately―for a moment. 

"Hmm... Will you hold the base of it for me, then...?"

Killua's quiet, suffering at the idea, and Gon scowls.

"Killua!"

"Fine! Fine, I will," Killua relents with a rough sound somewhere between a groan and a sigh, and he circles his ring finger and thumb around his dick, the rest of his fingers sort of cuddled in a curl against his pubic hair. Gon ogles at the sight, seeming satisfied--then looks concerned again, looking at his side, then over his shoulder―and Killua realizes Gon is trying to triangulate a position. It is a little bit of an awkward angle to suck someone off at―unfortunately, Killua would know, and worse, Killua is sitting with his ass flat on the interior of Gon's sleeping bag. When Killua blew Gon, Gon was sitting in a way that elevated him a little more... Killua didn't have to go as low as Gon has to, like this. Distractedly, Killua beings to wonder if he should change his position... but there's something attractive about the idea of sitting kind of splayed like this for reasons he won't dare humor, right now.

"Just lay on your side," Killua suggests in a mumble, and Gon perks up straight.

"Ah! Yeah!" And he gets right to it, arranging himself, and Killua thinks Gon's pretty pleased to have his way... Typical. How did Killua ever think he was going to be able to prevent this? Though it's actually a little surprising, how much Gon apparently wants to try something like sucking dick... Killua certainly wouldn't have ever anticipated that. And it's certainly as hot as it is unexpected. He'd thought of Gon as so sexless, so innocent―and well, Gon _was_ quite innocent, but... They were the same age, after all, and Gon was sheltered. Killua's starting to feel like it's been an unwitting dam ready to burst, unknown to them both, but Gon's never shown his hand with that kind of thing at all. He's watched curiously for Gon's sticky eyes, to see if his gaze hooks on a woman's curves, stays too long on a girl's face, or wanders curiously down a man's body... anything. And he's never given Killua anything to analyze, despite Killua's thirsting, urgent curiosity, desperate to know what Gon likes.

Gon ends up sort of half draped across one of Killua's thighs, and he comes in close to blink curiously at Killua's dick―which, understandably, makes Killua seize up with embarrassment.

"Stop staring at it, you weirdo!"

"I've never seen it hard before, though! Especially not this close."

"What do you mean especially―"

"It's pretty..."

Killua chokes on his words, and barely manages to restrain himself from smacking Gon across the head. He knows it's definitely different, compared to Gon's; Gon's was bigger overall, with just a bit more length and certainly more girth, cutely swathed by a hood of skin... It was a little darker, too; Gon's complexion was darker than Killua's in general, and brickish instead of pink. And there was definitely darker pigment through all of Gon's genitals, the head of his dick, beneath the foreskin, sporting a ruddy flush. The foreskin makes Gon's cock so easy to stroke, too; absolutely no ceremony required... Shit. Thinking about it makes Killua's cock bob again, as does the tempting tease of feeling Gon's so-warm-it's-almost-hot breath tickling his needy flesh, but he's thankfully still holding himself, so the movement is subdued to a mere pulse―were it not for the security of Killua's grasp, it probably would've bopped Gon on the nose.

"Gon, you wanted to do this so bad, and now you're just staring at it like it's an exotic plant or something."

"Jeeeez, okay!"

Gon furrows his eyebrows, seeming to try to get his focus back, and he peeks at Killua (for _why_ , he doesn't know!! Killua wishes he hadn't!), then leans forward to give the tip of Killua's cock an experimental, wet little kiss. Killua wants to die, because with the way Gon's staring up for curious approval, likely trying to test Killua's reactions, while doing something as lewd as kissing his dick... It's such a wrongly juxtaposed innocence, and Killua just wants it more. Flustered, Killua wants to extend a hand to pet Gon's face, like the way Gon had pet his―but finds himself too shy to manage, and he awkwardly doesn't know what to do with his hands. They curl into antsy fists, pulling the fabric of Gon's sleeping arrangements. 

Killua lets go of another breath he didn't realize he was holding, and he's relieved when Gon's eyes slip closed. Gon nuzzles at the base of Killua's cock, making him jump a bit, and Killua feels Gon inhale as he mumbles a long, pleased sound, and Killua squirms a bit with embarrassment. Gon comes back up, this time giving the tip of Killua's cock a juicy suck. And Killua bites his lip, fingers curling a bit more, and he gratefully (though involuntarily) throbs from the contact, which gently pushes against Gon's lips as a result. Gon's eyebrows slant back, and he actually lets go of a sigh, which is warm and wet against Killua's cock. Killua now knows what to do with the hand that isn't busy holding his dick steady for Gon's degenerate affection, and that's lift it to hold in front of his mouth, gaze going a little blurry as he's already struggling to keep his eyes all the way open while he watches Gon.

It really, actually looks like Gon's enjoying it. That expression coming from something like his cock pushing against his mouth makes Killua feel crazy. Gon's sort of doing what Killua had done, too―opening with kisses. Killua wasn't sure if it was Gon weaponizing that experience against Killua to stun him and pleasure him, or if it was Gon mirroring Killua as a model of what a good job was with this kind of thing. Which would be flattering, sweet, and immeasurably erotic. 

Gon gives him another wet little suck, and it makes Killua feel like he's actually savoring his taste, or maybe trying to extract more of his precum like he finds it delicious. The thought makes Killua shudder, his breath bated again, and Gon―unexpectedly―just goes ahead and sucks the whole head in. Killua tenses, toes curling in his socks as he sucks in a quiet gasp, and his fingernails dent against his own cheek a little, teeth clenched. He doesn't take his eyes off Gon. Gon repeats the motion, passing just the head through as he diligently bobs. The heat is lovelier beyond any basis of comparison Killua has, as is the wetness--it's searingly good, and Killua can't help it; he drops his head with a low, quiet moan, against the hollow of his hand as it hovers to hide his face. His eyes are closed now, blush crept up to his forehead. Gon's not sucking much--just a little bit, and Killua can hear the lip of his cock's tip catch on Gon's upper lip as he feels it out, carefully cradling the sensitive head of his cock with every pass with his lips and tongue. Killua realizes Gon's being careful when he notices the absence of teeth.

"Oh God," Killua breathes, his voice a whisper. "Gon."

Gon's eyes roll up to peek at Killua, and he almost stops, stunned by the sight of his friend crumpled by the pleasure of Gon quite literally cluelessly fucking around... His complexion has gone as dewy as his lashes, his brows slanted back, face shyly dipped and half obscured by Killua's elegant, pretty hand. But Gon keeps going after an awkward falter in his pace, not wanting to compromise what he presumes to be a rare sight... and he wants more of Killua's sounds. So Gon decides to try to work a little harder; he thinks of what he liked when Killua had done it, and what he'd wanted in retrospect. What he wanted more of, or what sensations he'd have liked exaggerated, or to explore...

So much to Killua's surprise, Gon descends―quite a lot. His passes become longer, more exaggerated, and overall, it's much more straightforward than Killua's style in this―Killua's not sure if it's because Gon is desperately horny, or so desperate to simply get Killua off, or both, but it has Killua trembling. But it's less Killua's style of all the hungry, long licks and sucks (so probably Killua is just more into worshiping a dick than Gon is, who seems to just want to push Killua over the edge, his approach more pragmatic). A weak, dry cry leaves him, and Killua muffles his mouth against his palm more firmly. His embarrassment makes him throb in Gon's mouth, ashamed of being so unrestrained, but weirdly also so keyed up by it. And it's good, so good, Gon's strokes are consistent and he's taking Killua about half way; Killua can feel the welling of Gon's watering mouth, saliva dripping down to his ring of fingers to his balls, and probably, unpleasantly, to his sleeping bag. He's soaked with Gon's saliva, and his wrist is shaking where he tries to hold his dick steady―but fuck if he isn't motivated as hell to do so, finding some strange pleasure in holding out his cock for Gon to hungrily devour like a beast being given a treat.

Oh god. He can't hold on at this rate.

Killua takes in a shuddering, long breath, trying to hold it together; his stomach clenches, abs flexed and arms shaking as he tries to resist his orgasm. Gon moans low, and Killua gasps a little for how it feels around his cock, his jaw dropping open despite how he clutches around his mouth. Killua's experiencing so much of what he'd done to Gon, and the that creeping thought is once again so guiltily enticing. There's something so hot about it, and Killua can't place it right now, but he's sure he will the next time he has some alone time to jerk himself dry to these memories. Gon's likely enjoying all of the salty surging from Killua's cock, and even that makes Killua feel a little distracted with anxiety―he can't, _can't_ cum in Gon's mouth, but he really wants to.

"S-slow down," Killua stammers breathlessly, lowering his hand. "Gon, fuck, slow down, I'm gonna cum" _so hard in your sweet fucking mouth if you just keep going just a little bit more for the love of God_ "if you don't stop...!"

And Gon does slow down―he pulls off slow from Killua's dick, gazing at Killua through hungry, heavy eyes, breaking the suction as he's half up, and he lets Killua's cock rest on the soft, glistening bed of his tongue. Killua, both fortunately and unfortunately, catches the sight, and he grips the base of his cock _hard_ to keep himself from painting the inside of Gon's mouth with his cum. Fuck if he doesn't _want_ to. He wants to slap his dick on Gon's tongue, and stroke himself into finish right after, all against his tongue, down his throat, maybe on his face... Killua's a little surprised at how aggressive he's feeling, but Gon's managed to work him up to that level. But was it so shocking? Killua was just as guilty of putting _himself_ here, so pent up in his desire for Gon.

Gon kisses against the side of Killua's cock head again as Killua holds himself stiff and steady, and it's a frustratingly soft stimulation. Killua just wants to cum, and he wants it so badly. He _needs_ it, even, after this morning. Fuck. Killua can feel sticky strands of his precum pulling and relaxing, connected between Gon's mouth and his own flesh as he moves, and Killua moans weakly as Gon keeps kissing. He then licks, firm and long, here and there, and Killua's cock shudders. _There's_ the teasing. At the end, not the beginning. What an asshole, Killua thinks, but not without dreamy, delighted affection.

"Oh fuck, oh, fuck, _Gon_ ," Killua babbles, surely to be embarrassed witless later, but he's becoming increasingly non present. All of his will-power, any shred of composure he has left, is dedicated to not finishing in, or on, Gon's mouth―though he can't stop thinking about it obsessively. "Stop. Stop, stop, _stop_ , ah―"

And Gon does―immediately. He leans back, licking his lip as he mostly straightens up, and Killua somehow feels limp and bloodless (aside from, you know, the obvious) but also taught like a wire ready to snap. He's helpless, but so impossibly on edge and needy. And Killua feels like this is where Gon wants him, and it makes Killua feel insane.

"You're so sensitive now... You were so close even just from me licking," Gon says quietly, and his shoulders are tilted unevenly, and it practically knocks stars into Killua's vision with shock. Gon so blatantly saying something like that almost makes Killua cum on the spot ( _again_. Was Gon some demon?), though he feels embarrassed. But it also evokes an urgent wanting; he _wants_ Gon to patiently lap at his cock until Killua is teased all the way to a frenzied orgasm. He can't believe he's craving that kind of torture, but it's hardly a surprise. That's what's got him here in the first place. 

"Yeah," Killua agrees mindlessly, his breath heavy, still out of his mind enough for the inhibitions that protect his pride to be weakened. 

"Wanna take a break, maybe?"

Killua lifts his addled gaze with confusion, finally catching Gon's expression. Gon also looks desperately aroused, but nowhere near as compromised as Killua. 

"A break?" Killua pants. What on Earth was Gon suggesting, exactly? To stop?! _Now_?!

"Well, I meant like, do something else. Just so you don't finish right away," Gon laughs, and Killua feels his ears burn, giving Gon a reactive little shove that makes Gon laugh more. Killua bitterly wonders if Gon's even aware that he's edging him.

"Then what exactly are you proposing?" Killua grumbles out, irate to not get his orgasm, but not necessarily begrudging. He's curious, and finding Gon has a red-blooded instinct after all, Killua's not totally _not_ sold on following him through his whimsy... 

Gon adjusts himself so he's sitting upright beside Killua again, smiling in a way that is on the surface cheery and innocent―but Killua reads it differently because he knows Gon better. To him, it's mischievous and self-satisfied, like Gon's already won some game they haven't even finished yet. Carefully, with his now barely-wounded hand wrapped in gauze, Gon grasps Killua's wrist. That contact alone, so close to his palm, makes Killua's heart skip out of ravenous, intimate longing, and so he doesn't resist. He just keeps his eyes wondrously trained on where that juncture of where their contact melds, hungry with the anticipation of it―and that pays off. Sure enough, Gon leads Killua's hand to his own hard cock, and it doesn't take much more insinuation for Killua to give Gon a hard, flush squeeze to his dick. Gon shudders, his eyes thinning closed, and Killua breathlessly watches his expression shift as he touches. His groping hold kneads through his underwear, and strokes him slowly and carefully. Were he cut, like Killua, it might have been a little bit too much friction...but Killua can feel the forgiving, rolling compliance of Gon's foreskin accommodating his stroking grip.

"So hard," Killua breathes out, and he feels and sees Gon shudder a bit.

"Of course I am," Gon sighs back, and Killua realizes that probably... Gon was just as pent up, and wanted some action himself before Killua came, despite Gon's insistence at having Killua's orgasm. Sneaky bastard. Killua loosens his grip a bit, wanting to pay Gon back in kind for the teasing stimulation. He feels Gon throb lazily in his grasp, and Killua rolls his hips (just a bit) unthinkingly in his own urgent need for stimulation. 

"I thought it was just you being backed up," Killua mumbles, watching his hand squeeze and stroke over the cloth obfuscating Gon's hard cock, his appetite stoked with every stroke. Killua hates it, but he finds himself salivating all over again, deplorably desperate to put his mouth all over Gon's hard cock, to orally inventory what he's packing all over again. And again, and again, and again. Killua lets out a slow, hard, and shuddering breath, and that shiver gets the attention of Gon's intuitive eye, despite the stimulation Killua provides him. "But you seem to be into this besides that..."

"Why wouldn't I be?" 

Killua casts an irritated little flit of a gaze up Gon's way, and Gon smiles in a way that's subdued and dazed through the veil of his arousal, but it's no less cheeky nor transparent. 

"I trust you the most, Killua... I've never thought about anybody else touching me like this."

The bare, earnest admission gives Killua a little shock, such that stills his stroking rubs over the warm, swelling bulge of Gon's too-hard cock. 

"Huh?"

"Is that weird? I already told you, we're already so close. Doesn't it kind of feel natural?"

"U-um." Killua feels his face burn too hot, and his gaze flusters away. A part of him knows that Gon's right, but it still doesn't...necessarily feel _allowed._ It doesn't feel _okay_ to feel that way, or to think of this as a natural progression. Because if they carry too far down this path, then what of their friendship? Does this carnal distraction invalidate everything? Just how normal is this? But it seems―

It seems, more and more, Gon is just determined to challenge Killua on this.

"So you... _actually_ like it," Killua starts hesitantly, and he feels around Gon's glans. Carefully, thoughtfully and delicately, plugging into his more strategist ways. But his breath is thick, dark eyes fixed curiously on how his friend squirms and mumbles in pleasure through the darkness, remiss of missing the dark, pretty flush of his cheeks. Gon has a plain appearance, but so too is it oddly unique―so utterly masculine and charming, not understated nor understated. Unremarkable but unique. Killua wants to consume every form of its visage, and it lends to a sharpness in his gaze, calculating and imploringly, deeply curious. It's the type of indulgence Killua's been scared of, but Gon's worked him up enough to where Killua's thoughtlessly caving into it. The fear of so utterly desiring and consuming Gon this way that Killua can't resist pushing for making Gon cum too often. If Killua could, well past Gon's healing, without his various logical inhibitions, Killua would gladly replace Gon's hands for every trivial jerk-off. Even if it were multiple times a day. And he feels that hunger darkly churn and deepen, licking his lips as his pupils blow out, his eyes becoming doll-like dark and large. "When I make you cum."

"Of _course_ I like it," Gon echoes with an almost pouting mutter. "I want you to touch me, Killua..."

Killua's heart stops for a moment, and he has to resist some insane impulse―to swallow Gon's dick down his throat, or worse, to rearrange themselves so Killua impales himself dry. While less sexual at its inception, it's similar to the feeling Killua had when Gon insisted so plainly that no one else could handle Gon's strength, back on Greed Island. That in the same way that Gon is so off-beat and morbid in such a cavalier way that he can bear all the ugliness and beauty of Killua, so to is Killua uniquely qualified to sustain and nourish Gon. It makes him want to dissolve himself in whole to Gon, which is the exact nature of his fear in totality. 

"You don't know what you're doing to me," Killua mumbles quietly in an unusual streak of sincerity, brought about only by how lathered to a horny froth Gon's made him. And it's so unusual―for all his training, and all his experience, Killua's never been prepared for...whatever this is. Desiring a person so utterly; a willingless and uncaringness to let his guard down, and to both selfishly and selflessly pursue something as banal and embarrassing as mutual masturbation. 

"Mm?" Gon's dark eyes open groggily through the dark, and Gon gently rests a weak hand atop of where Killua is working his hard cock through his briefs. "Tell me, then...?"

"Gon." Killua feels some of his self-imposed limitations drift back to the surface, and he closes his eyes, thin brows knit in frustration as he briefly wrestles those feelings. The way Killua says Gon's name is almost cautionary, but expectedly, Gon isn't particularly reactive to it―if at all. "I just... I do really want this. It's hard to be smart, when I'm doing this stuff."

"Is doing this kinda thing about being smart?" Gon asks honestly, and Killua's suddenly accutely aware of how heady Gon's airy, pleasant voice is, all caught up and thick in his throat. 

"It is, when you're not trying to make mistakes."

"I'm pretty sure it's not so lethal," Gon jokes to Killua, and Killua's eyes open again, peering at his friend in surprise. Then, scowling, almost as if in resentment for lack of a better comeback to Gon's annoyingly wise-at-times type of quip, Killua yanks down Gon's waist band. To his satisfaction, it does pull from Gon a satisfied little gasp. 

"You wanna cum together?" Killua asks, and the cut of his voice actually makes Gon appear to be momentarily struck, and that expression gives way not too long after with a pliantness that gives away his id.

"Yeah," Gon professes earnestly, trying to scoot a bit closer, pelvis first. He's clearly excited, and Killua finds it cute.

"Like we were gonna this morning," Killua clarifies, rolling the skin of Gon's cock in his hand, watching the edge of the skin expand and contract around the dark, pretty head of Gon's cock, bunching with every upstroke that makes Killua crazy to even _watch._ It makes no sense, Killua thinks resentfully, how Gon's cock is _so_ nice. Killua feels equal parts spiteful, envious and ravenous at the sight of his dick―Gon's _already_ got this kind of dick―the kind Killua has had endless, keening orgasms to, jerking his hips at the mere visage of such a thing through various search engines like the stupid horny teenager he is. It's like Gon's been designed specifically to make Killua stupid dick first, to make him break against how hungry he is for this thing truly at his core. He hates himself for it, but even that arouses him. 

"Yeah," Gon repeats, a bit more needily. Killua's cock is still wet from Gon's mouth and straining hard, desperate to bury itself towards Killua's navel, flattening his bed of downy, white pubic hair, likely matted with his slick secretions (and spit) that speak multitudes to Killua's desire better than his words possibly could. And Killua, spreading his fingers wide, snatches up the bare of both of their cocks, marrying the slickness of their flesh in a firm grasp. Killua feels Gon shudder, and that alone is what takes his eyes from the lewd image muddied by the darkness of their cocks squeezed together to catch the curious sight of Gon's expression. Killua knows Gon wanted to see Killua cum, but Killua's not uncertain that he can take control back. He can just make Gon cum again, and he can overwhelm him... but then again, Killua had been so close to orgasm prior to all this hard, horny nonsense that he's got gathered up tight in his fist.

Killua rolls his hips slowly and carefully, fucking into his precarious, shared vice, not wanting to lose grasp of either of them, and Gon lets out a deplorably sweet little moan that makes Killua want to eat it up, specifically through biting and pulling Gon's lips in his teeth before swallowing up a hungry handful of kisses. Miraculously, Killua resists. But he thinks about it, certainly.

"How's that?" Killua asks, his voice low and quiet. "Good?"

"It's good," Gon sighs out, hips trembling at his first thrust meant to match Killua's pace. But it's not long before Gon's matching Killua's rythym. The wet sound of their flesh shifting together fills the quiet, still air immediately around them, as well as the hushed chorus of their labored breathing. And Killua likes it this way, as he did this morning... having Gon so nice and close. Gon lets out a variance of little pleased mumbles and moans, but despite the tight hold of Killua's hand and the slickness of their erections, Gon finds himself not quite satisfied. 

"Mm, hang on," Gon finally interupts, panting. "Can you help me again, Killua?"

"What do you mean?" Killua asks with a distracted, heavy blink, and Gon shifts his legs thoughtfully.

"I wanna be on top of you... But, um..." Gon pauses, seeming to heavily consider his phrasing, brows knit and mouth quirked in thought. "I don't wanna just sit on you, cuz I want us to still rub like this."

"Y...you can't brace yourself, though; even if your hand is better, isn't your arm still too weak? And it'd be better not to strain it, anyway..." Feasibly, Gon could do it... but he might injure his arm amidst its healing and set himself back a few days. Something Killua is finding he _increasingly_ does not wish for. 

"Mhm. So... Can you prop me up?"

"Gon. Seriously?"

Killua relents his grip, and moves his slick palm across the heads of their cocks, and Gon shudders out a choked, quiet moan. Killua then takes to stroking Gon's cock alone, watching his expression versus the stimulation, trying to see if he can convince him to just do it this way.

"I wanna move more. It's hard on my side, especially cuz I can't grab you."

Killua feels his ears burn red. How nice that would be.

"Fine. You're gonna be a brat about it anyway, so I may as well."

"Mm, yeah," Gon laughs breathlessly. Killua doesn't really care, anyway. At this point, he's so horny, he just wants to get release. Gon changes his position, carefully shifting so he's straddling Killua, and blinks down at him. "Ready?"

"Yeah, you little weirdo," Killua affirms, hold out one of his hands with the flat of its palm turned upwards. And Gon smiles, leaning forward―he uses his injured hand to brace himself, gingerly keeping off his other, which is the side that Killua braces to keep Gon in place. He uses his other hand to wrap around their cocks, though it's... a little tricky to gather them both. If Gon wanted to... move? That was what he wanted, right? Then it might be a bit difficult. 

But Gon starts slow, his eyes wide, expression both curious and careful to observe the way he slides against Killua, slow in the tight of his grip. Gon's experimental movement seems to convey that he's aware of the same potential difficulties. But Gon's focus buckles not too long after that, his arms sort of twinging as his head suddenly drops like it did earlier (it seems to be a thing Gon does in his repetoire of sexual behaviors, Killua notes, probably without realizing), gaze becoming a bit unfocused as his eyes narrow just slightly. Killua breathes out heavily, watching Gon's lip catch in his teeth as he begins to find his pace, and it's barely a few pumps in that Gon gives Killua a juicy swell of precum at the head of his dick, smearing it all against Killua's own cock. 

"Ah―"

Killua can't help it. He's trying to suppress the unsteadiness of his own breath, but the flush of his face and the slick tip of his dick gives him away plainly, as does the way his hips jerk, unthinkingly and subtly thrusting upwards once. They've already both come so close to orgasm a few times without quite reaching it, so it's no wonder that they're both fraying at the ends. 

"Ohh _hhh,_ " Gon moans, and as soon as the honey sweet sound is out of him, his expression tenses; Killua sees it, the way that Gon's jaw suddenly sets, his teeth clenched, brows ticking in a tense knit. Gon's thrusting suddenly becomes really eratic, and his breathing comes in scattered pants that are hot enough for Killua to feel despite the distance between them, now. And Killua's both surprised and mesmerized by the sight of Gon like that, because it's not a side he's seen just yet; he can peripherally see the way that the muscles of his arms knot and tense, indicating that his hands have probably gripped hard on the surface below them, his thrusts becoming forceful and hard. And Killua's breath is caught in his throat, eyes widening subtly. It's unavoidably evocative. Killua can't think of anything else besides the insinuation that is obviously and inadvertantly laid bare, and the sound Gon makes is then more surprised, gutteral and brief, choked down towards the end. Then Killua's breath catches when next comes his name. "Killua...!"

And Killua feels it, the sudden hot streaks of Gon's cum streaking up across the fabric of his shirt, the warmth settling through seconds after. The rest of it ends up gathering at the end of Killua's hand, dribbling against the rim, and Killua's eyes snap, stuck to the sight of Gon's cock shifting against his own in the mess of his orgasm, pushing and pulling the heat and wet of it against Killua. The way the pretty color of Gon's cock head keeps pushing through the enticing mass of his cum finally makes Killua lose it, and his head snaps back, teeth gritting as his orgasm hits him hard. Gon leans forward as Killua cums, and doesn't stop moving his own hips despite probably at the stage of oversensitivity in the lapse of his orgasm―and with marked greed, Gon rolls his tongue up Killua's neck, which pulls a sharp, but watery, cry from Killua as he rides through his orgasm. 

"Ah! Ah, Gon, yes, _fuck_ ," Killua whines, his body jolting here and there as his orgasm passes, and then he feels himself utterly―collapse. And ew, he is so sweaty, Killua notices immediately, and overwarm, despite the chill outside... and sticky. They both just stupidly jizzed everywhere, because they were both too eager to cum. Too worked up, too horny; exactly what Killua wanted to avoid. His breathing shaky and limbs just as so, Killua weakly rests the back of his hand across his eyes―and notices that Gon is affectionately kissing against his neck, which makes Killua jump.

"Gon! Jeez, what are you doing?!"

"I got to see it..."

"See _what,_ stupid?" Killua asks, fussing in his embarrassment, and Gon peeks up at Killua, smiling cheekily.

"Your face. Even though your body spasms made you move your head away a little, I still got to see."

"Gon!" Embarrassed, Killua just stubbornly thrusts both of his palms over his eyes, trying to roll away, his mouth in an uneven, low line below the wash of baby pink staining his face. 

"What? I've never seen anything like it, Killua... You're amazing."

"God, shut up. You're just saying stupid stuff cuz you came hard..." Killua blinks, suddenly recovering enough to move one of his hands to peek down at Gon, even despite feeling somewhat disarmed by his cheery, sweet face. Glowing like that, like they didn't just do something so raunchy. "Wait, yeah―Gon, you kept moving... Even when you were done, a little. Wasn't that kind of uncomfortable?"

"Hmm..." Gon tilts his head, looking thoughtful. "Yeah, a little! But... how do I say it..."

Killua blinks, awaiting Gon finding his words with curious anticipation. Killua didn't give Gon shit for parsing, for once; this was genuinely unfamiliar territory, so he wanted to try to be patient.

"I guess... I liked it?" Gon laughs a little, and then settles carefully beside Killua, beaming. 

"H-huh? Really? You don't think it's like, kind of sharp, or unpleasant..."

"I did," Gon corrects earnestly, blinking, and Killua looks at him in uncomfortable disbelief. "Besides, it was more important to make sure you felt good to the end," Gon adds, and he smiles too sweetly, eyes all soft and dewy in a way that makes Killua's heart twist in hard yearning. For who knows what number that night, Killua wants to kiss Gon. 

"...You're so weird," Killua settles on lamely, bashfully scowling away, and Gon laughs.

"Is that really so weird...?"

"Whatever." Killua sits up, looking at the mess all over his hand, and his shirt, and... privately takes a note to appreciate that he's covered in _both_ their jizz, even on the flesh of his belly, and while that's not hot right now, Killua's certain that he'll appreciate that detail in the future, when he's stupid from hormones again. He sighs, and since the garment is ruined already anyways, Killua pulls off the turtleneck, using it to wipe his hand off thereafter―then his belly, then his dick. Carefully, Killua leans forward to wipe Gon's cock off―and realizes, with sudden mortification, probably Gon should be doing it. It's more complicated, maybe, because he has foreskin. Right? Shit. Killua doesn't actually know. And Gon's not like, some helpless baby―

Killua jolts when he realizes Gon's staring at him with wide, curious eyes, and Gon laughs at Killua's reaction.

"Killua, you're so nice."

"Shut up!! God," Killua snaps, utterly embarrassed, and then his attention is suddenly caught by something else. He pauses, then gives Gon a deadpan stare. "Are you seriously getting hard again already?"

"Mm?" Gon's eyes fall as well, to the offender in question. "Only a little," Gon observes.

"Jeez, you really are a beast."

"It's normal!" Gon huffs, snatching Killua's shirt from him to finish cleaning himself up. "We just did a bunch of sexy stuff, then you were doing something so considerate without even thinking... and even besides that, that considerate thing involved you touching my penis!! Of course I'm getting a little hard again."

Killua's the one who laughs this time, which takes Gon off guard a little in a blink, and Killua takes the shirt back from Gon. Killua smiles, and Gon feels his cheeks heat a little―but he returns Killua's smile with a bashful little bow of his head. Killua realizes, of course, Gon's the one relying on him for reference in a lot of things relating to sex right now. What's weird, what isn't... It's important Killua doesn't make him feel weird about anything. Like the size of his loads, or how often he gets hard, or anything like that. Killua once again suppresses the urge to kiss Gon, though the temptation this time is something softer―his cheek, or his forehead...

Even now, the memory buzzes happily and warmly within Killua. Even if it was right after they just frantically humped on each other to orgasm, Gon had been kissing his neck... Killua wasn't prepared to handle it, but that doesn't mean that he isn't well passed pleased for it. He'd freak out, probably, but... Killua definitely wants that again. The softness of Gon's lips... And goodness, how many imaginary kisses Killua's dreamed up on his own... The real thing, even just against his skin like that, is lovely beyond compare.

"Let's clean up and get ready for bed now that we got that out of the way."

"Yeah."

Killua stands up, looking for his underwear, lost at somepoint along the way―and as he retrieves it and goes to pick it up, Gon catches his gaze, still sitting naked from the waist down right where Killua left him, shifting antsily.

"Gon?"

"...Killua," Gon answers back, scratching his cheek. "Um..." He smiles, laughing a bit sheepishly. "Can we share a bag again?"

"Mm? It's not so cold, though."

Gon shakes his head. "I know. I just want to."

Killua straightens up, dropping his briefs from where he stands, definitely looking kind of ridiculous being naked from the waist down, just in an undershirt and a stupid expression.

"...Oh."

"You don't have to, if you don't want!" Gon clarifies hastily. "Mito always said I was pushy and cuddly when I was little, and I know I sometimes elbow or kick you and stuff, but―"

"N-no," Killua interupts, waving a hand. "...It's okay."

They both remain in some suspended silence, and then Gon breaks into a bubbly laugh, and his expression absolutely lightens up. It's so hard to do anything but let Gon have his way, because his delight is charming beyond belief―and even besides that... Gon's way is Killua's way, too. He just hasn't copped to it, just yet.

"Yay! Then let's get ready for bed, Killua~"

"...Yeah," Killua agrees, and he shyly returns Gon's smile, his fingers ruffling through the back of his silvery hair. 

For the upteenth time, Killua resists the urge to kiss Gon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one got mysteriously long somehow. anyways sorry this took forever! ...FOREVER. the length is certainly part of why (it's almost the sum of the entire fic so far, in one chapter!), but also my creative energy has been in a weird and also infrequent place. i can't believe i started this chapter in MARCH. goodbye.
> 
> ALSO, apologies for any errors: i'm feral and don't beta so i will be steadily correcting things as i go skgsjg


End file.
